Rosa: This is my third.
Charles: [slow-motion] Stop! You're drinking too much!
Jake: Whoa, what's going on, Charles? Why are you talking so slow?
Charles: [slow-motion] I'm not. I'm normal. We're all normal.
Jake: Oh, my God. If you're not going slow, that means we're going fast. Are we going fast? Can anyone tell if we're going fast?
Rosa: I don't think we're going fast at all in any way whatsoever. I feel like we're going slow in every way whatsoever. Captain, how do you feel?
Captain Holt: Great. Excellent. Amazing. I feel better than I've ever felt at any moment in my entire life.
Jake: So we're all fine?
Captain Holt: Yep.
Rosa: Yep.
Jake: Yep.
All: [rapidly repeating "Yep"]

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Jake: Okay, sir, I am cloning the hard drive. You should only have to distract him for three hours? Good Lord. Do you think that you can talk about barrels for three hours?
Captain Holt: Watch me. Ah, Gordon, take a gander at this brine barrel from 1787. It looks to me like the work of master hooper Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned it from his.
Jake: I'm already so bored.
[later:]
Captain Holt: The slats are not flat. They're curved. The base of the barrel is approximately 20- Every barrel is inspected before usage. The key is that the oak was cured and shaped by Josiah's cousin Joshua, who was a cooper and not a hooper.
Jake: Wait, are you still at the same barrel? Please move on to another one. There are so many barrels in there.
Captain Holt: You know what? Let's look at that barrel.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain Holt: It's a brine barrel as well. It was also made in the 1780s. In fact, it's identical to the last barrel. Let's review why that's interesting.
Jake: No!

Captain Holt: As a matter of fact, I'd like to take you out tonight for a thank-you dinner.
Jake: Oh, I would love that, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check, 'cause Amy and I already have plans. Although I'm pretty sure you would approve.
[later:]
Jake: So this is a brine barrel. It's made by Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned- You know what? This was a terrible idea. I'm sorry.
Amy: Don't you dare stop.
Jake: Oh. Okay. [clears throat] Josiah's cousin Joshua was a cooper, not a hooper.
Amy: Oh, mama.