Captain Holt: Santiago and Peralta, talk to both parties. Get to the bottom of this broken penis.
Jake: Wait. I just want to say I think it's sad that we as a society can no longer laugh at the phrase "broken penis," and it is my dream that we one day shall again. Team Broken Penis on three. One, two, three-
Scully: Broken penis!
Jake: Yeah, probably should've seen that coming.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Regina Park: Sorry if my voice is raspy. They just took the breathing tube out.
Captain Holt: But they left the BS in?
Sergeant Jeffords: Good God.
Charles: Whoa.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, sorry to interrupt. I just got off the phone with the Department of Corrections. They wanted me to let you know that Ernest Zumowski died.
Captain Holt: My goodness. It's been a while since I've heard that name. I hunted him for years and finally caught him and put an end to his bloodlust. In some sick way, I am who I am because of Ernest Zumowski AKA-
All: The Disco Strangler.
Captain Holt: Oh, so you knew who I was talking about?
Charles: Yeah, sir, you talk about him a lot.
Captain Holt: You know, the yo-yo was his-
All: Calling card.
Captain Holt: Oh, I mentioned that too? So how'd he die?
Sergeant Jeffords: He was in a prison transport van, and he got in a terrible accident. It burst into flames, and he was trapped inside.
Captain Holt: [laughing] Well, well, well, he finally did it.
Charles: Died horribly?
Captain Holt: Escaped. Just like he said he would all those years ago.
[past:]
Disco Strangler: I'll be coming back for you. I'm just like disco, baby. I will never die.
Captain Holt: True, disco will never die, but you will-
[present:]
All: In your cell, punk.
Captain Holt: Oh, so I've told that part of the story as well?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, at every Christmas party.
Charles: Sir, I am the first to tout the capabilities of senior citizens. I have made love to many, but the Disco Strangler is over 80. I doubt that he could pull off an escape like this.
Captain Holt: Oh, that's what he wants you to think. You're both underestimating him. I know 28 other people who did that, and they all ended up with yo-yos around their throats.
Charles and Sergeant Jeffords: Necks.
Captain Holt: Nope, I said "throats," not necks, which means I haven't told that story too many times. All right, lace up your dancing shoes because it's time to catch this disco bastard.

Jake: Amy's just upset because the historically entrenched patriarchy has created a culture of victim-shaming that suppresses any power shift in our masculo-phallic system.
Amy: Huh?
Jake: I couldn't sleep last night so I watched a documentary on Netflix about feminism.
Amy: I love you.