Sergeant Jeffords: And they are getting so manipulative. Yesterday, Cagney pretended to be hurt, I went in to help her, and Lacey snuck in the kitchen and stole two cookies.
Jake: Oh, my God. Your children are monsters.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, those are my kids, man. Back off.

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Captain Holt: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Amy: Okay, the topic today is whether or not we should have children. I will be taking the affirmative. You will be taking the negative. Each round will be individually scored by our judge, Captain Holt.
Captain Holt: Do you need to hear my credentials? Debate moderator license D as in delta, 8-1-0-
Jake: I believe you.
Captain Holt: Y as in Yankee, 4-1. J as in Juliet, J as in Juliet, 6.
Jake: Great.

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away