Jake: Okay, if you hand me that bomb right now, nothing bad will have happened, and that'll be because of you, because you cooperated. Also, I'm sure a judge would understand how you got into this situation. I mean, you were asked to do this by an Antonio Banderas type. Who could say no to that? And even if you do go to prison, it is gonna be such a fancy prison.
Pam: With a lot of crafts?
Jake: Yes, with tons of crafts. Pam, listen to me. Let's untwist this bowel together. Let's clear everything out.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Captain Holt: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Amy: Okay, the topic today is whether or not we should have children. I will be taking the affirmative. You will be taking the negative. Each round will be individually scored by our judge, Captain Holt.
Captain Holt: Do you need to hear my credentials? Debate moderator license D as in delta, 8-1-0-
Jake: I believe you.
Captain Holt: Y as in Yankee, 4-1. J as in Juliet, J as in Juliet, 6.
Jake: Great.

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away