Gina: So you choose your dad over me, your co-worker who hates you?

Madeline Wuntch: I'm the front-runner for a job in the Boston PD.
Captain Holt: Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

Gina: The only reason I didn't tell you is I don't value you as people, so why be honest?

Jake: Please Sarge, just come. Do it for me. Do it for love.
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn Jake, you know Terry loves love. I'm in.

Captain Holt: No, you should be changing her auto correct. What's her last name?
Jake: Perez.
Captain Holt: No, it's butt now. Sophia Butt. That feels good, doesn't it?
Jake: Not really.
Captain Holt: Okay. Let's get sauced.

Captain Holt: Well Diaz, the deed is done.
Rosa: You torpedoed her promotion?
Captain Holt: Sadly, no. I gave that goblin a good recommendation. Your story about the marker turd really hit me. I began to realize that if even you thought I should take the high road, that was probably the right choice.

Captain Holt: I could torpedo her promotion. Just saying it brims my soul with joy. But to do so would mean she stays here in New York City, hanging over me like an Albino bat. On the other hand, if I praise Wuntch she will leave the city, the clouds will part, and the children will sing "Wuntch is gone".
Rosa: What children?
Captain Holt: All the children.
Rosa: Right. That was a stupid question.

Gina: Move over please, I do have a wedding to plan. Because if this thing's happening, it's not going to be a Boyle Bros event. For starters, all the bridesmaids are going to be dressed like Roseanne from the television show Roseanne.
Charles: Oh, I like that show.

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate this. Everyone is looking at us.
Jake: Only because we're equally massive, beautiful men in tuxes.

Jake: A walk in the park, how romantic. And I know where all the murder spots are.
Sophia: Ah, do you want to see them or avoid them?
Jake: The choice is yours, m'lady.

Gina: What are you creeps doing? You made me look away from my phone. You better pray I didn't miss a text.
Amy: In the two seconds you looked away?
Gina: Seventeen texts. All of them important.

Sergeant Jeffords: They're in my yogurt. Now it's personal.

Sergeant Jeffords: You can hold your head up. You took the high road with Wuntch.
Captain Holt: Not entirely. When I was alone in her office, I changed her autocorrect. Now, when she types Wuntch it gets replaced with butt.

Sergeant Jeffords: Defense attorneys are monsters. Except for you, you're fine.

Captain Holt: But I am still planning to get some retribution. I got her a parting gift.
Rosa: Tickets to 'Wicked'?
Captain Holt: In Boston. She's moving to a second class city and I wanted to rub her nose in it. Enjoy the understudies, Madeline. Have fun watching some chubby Chenoweth knock-off warble her way through 'Popular'.

Rosa: I'm sorry you didn't get your vengeance, Mother Holt.
Captain Holt: Good one.

Jake: Ooh, I should bet him that I can pee for longer than he can. The trick is to pinch it.

Rosa: Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.
Captain Holt: Oh, please stay Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around, or she turns into a she-wolf.

Rosa: What was Sarge's advice?
Captain Holt: Oh, you and I both know what Mother Jeffords would say. Take the high road. But I asked you, Detective Diaz, because you understand vengeance.

Jake: All of our worst enemies are here. Brown hair guy. Ponytail lady. Asian Don Cheadle. I refuse to learn their names because it humanizes them.

Charles: Papa's a gentleman and he won't propose until he gets Gina's permission, and she won't give it to him.
Gina: Who says papa? Are you a little French boy?

Amy: I'm a notary. No big deal. I met the comptroller.

Jake: So I will focus mainly on skiing and Atlantic City when I talk to him tonight at the Fundraiser for the Association of Brooklyn Public Defenders, aka the Chamber of Asses. No wait, that's too sexy. The Chamber of Snakes.

Captain Holt: Be nice to Wuntch? You may go now, Mother Diaz.

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: No flaccid rejoinder? Huh. What's going on?

Sophia: How can I explain this? Oh, okay. Imagine this room is full of super intelligent robots, hell bent on ending humanity, and you are a working class human who just entered the swarm hive.
Jake: Love this. Love you. Keep going.
Sophia: Oh, that's a really weird moment to say you love me for the first time. I'm just gonna blow past that. The point is, you can't charm robots. So you should go before they pod you and harvest your brain.

Charles: Well you know how our parents have been tender-sexing each other?
Amy: Ew.
Gina: Precisely, Amy, ew!

Captain Holt: Wait, ssh ssh ssh. Oh, moment savored. Now, where were we? Ah yes, you were talking about how I hold your fate in the palm of my hand.

Amy: I took a course on conflict resolution and I have been waiting weeks to bust this bad boy out! Mmm, new binder smell.

Gina: A certified Shaman will conduct the ceremony, and the ring bearer will be an actual wolf.

Charles: You think I'm bothered by a little spilt milkshake? I'm a food blogger. I'm stained all over!

Rosa: This wedding sounds weird. I'm in to it.

Jake: Now they're destroying our technology. This is an invasion!