Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Madeline Wuntch: Sticks and stones, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Describing your breakfast?

Captain Holt: Captain Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain Holt: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Jake: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Captain Holt: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."
Rosa: [laughs]

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Madeline. I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing. What brings you here?
Madeline Wuntch: I heard you were under investigation by Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that.
Captain Holt: So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

Madeline Wuntch: I'm the front-runner for a job in the Boston PD.
Captain Holt: Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry said he had some news from the office of Commissioner Wuntch.
Captain Holt: [groans] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.

Amy: It isn't just Wuntch. I started seeing a fertility doctor and she has me taking hormones to help with ovulation and my emotions are in overdrive.
Captain Holt: Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up. Wuntch is dead! Bagel! Bagel! Bagel!
Rosa: Sir, I am loving this color on you, but don't you think you should tone it down?
Captain Holt: Why, in case I run into her family? I'm not planning any trips to the Bronx Zoo.

Madeline Wuntch: What the hell, Raymond? You were following me?
Captain Holt: I don't know what you're talking about. I've been here the whole time.
Madeline Wuntch: My mistake. These two goons were carrying a dirty old mop that looked exactly like you.

Captain Holt: Wuntchtime is over. Boom! Did it. Had it both ways. No regrets.

Sergeant Jeffords: We got the letter.
Captain Holt: Well done. Now get me Madeline and a bucket of water. It's time to melt a witch.

Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Captain Holt: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Charles: A what?
Captain Holt: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Captain Holt: Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.
Madeline Wuntch: Call me the devil, Raymond? How original.
Captain Holt: Actually, I was calling you a goat. You goat.

Jake: That's not what I meant. No, we have to fight her.
Captain Holt: We're not going to fight her. She's the devil. And you don't dance with the devil because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's dead.
Captain Holt: Oh, Terry. Zombies can't die. This is some sort of scam. If she were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in the streets.

Jake: Okay, we've got her meeting the mayor, her dog-sitting for Bo Obama, Malala giving her an award, but no photos of Wuntch.
Captain Holt: That's because vampires don't appear on film. Perhaps we should be looking for a 17th-century woodblock print.

Captain Holt: So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.

Madeline Wuntch: You got your task force. I'm surprised.
Captain Holt: That's funny, after 20 years, I'd think you'd be used to me slam-dunking in your face.
Madeline Wuntch: I'm surprised you didn't see what was going on in there. I got you riled up, you oversold giggle pig, and now you're running an expensive task force in a time of budget cuts. You better make some big arrests and quick, or you'll be the poster boy for departmental waste. Slam dunk returned.
Captain Holt: Not if we make those arrests. Three-point dunk.
Sergeant Jeffords: You guys really don't know enough about basketball to be doing this.

Captain Holt: Fine, but on two conditions we stay at least 4 inches apart at all times, and you tuck your tail back into your pants so I don't trip on it.
Madeline Wuntch: Deal.

Madeline Wuntch: I like what you've done with your office, Raymond. It's cozy. Like a shoebox one buries a dead hamster in.

Captain Holt: We're here are about a new and very potent for ecstasy that has surfaced in our precinct; street name, giggle pig.
Madeline Wuntch: Hmm, an embarrassing blight growing right under your nose. Not unlike that moustache you had when we first met.
Captain Holt: That moustache was era-appropriate.

Captain Holt: How do we get close enough without attracting attention?
Madeline Wuntch: Could dance. You must know some moves. You were mentioned by name in the "Monster Mash."

Captain Holt: Wuntch.
Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond. You're looking old and sickly.

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond. An Internal Affairs investigation? A drug task force that hasn't found any drugs? This precinct's a disaster. Maybe that's why the birds stopped singing. Out of respect for the death of your career. Good-bye, Raymond.

Captain Holt: What's going on?
Jake: Well, Gina said we couldn't be seen together, and I need your help. Looks like we've both got a pretty bad case of jerk boss.
Captain Holt: Yes, yours is an idiot, and mine is a fork-tongued lizard witch.

Captain Holt: Hello, deputy chief Wuntch. You've aged.

Madeline Wuntch: There's John Kelly. Twirl me into him, and I'll place the bug. Hello, John.
John Kelly: Right on time, Madeline. Did Raymond buy it? Did he think you were bonding?
Madeline Wuntch: He was smiling at me like an idiot.
Captain Holt: You've betrayed us, you coffin cave mold beetle!

Captain Holt: You move well. Must be all the extra legs, you crab.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't you find this exhausting?
Captain Holt: Thinking of fresh insults? Not at all, you coffin cave mold beetle.
Madeline Wuntch: I meant our relationship. Aren't you tired of the rivalry? We fight and we fight, and nothing changes. But we're really not so different.
Captain Holt: I suppose we were close once. Remember Brighton Beach?
Madeline Wuntch: 1,200 kilos of heroin in an abandoned subway tunnel. How could I forget?
Captain Holt: The largest drug bust in NYPD history pulled off by a most unlikely duo.
Madeline Wuntch: A woman, and a gay, black detective.
Captain Holt: No, I meant a human and a rotted jack-o'-lantern.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't be so hard on yourself. You weren't all the way rotted back then.

Madeline Wuntch: Spot checks are done. Needless to say I'm thoroughly underwhelmed.
Captain Holt: Huh. From your expression, I would have guessed constipated. Or chilly.

Captain Holt: More importantly, Wuntch got served. Oh my god, Wuntch sounds like lunch. Oh, this opens up so many new avenues.

Madeline Wuntch: I've examined his proposal. There's no proof that giggle pig is a serious problem.
Captain Holt: So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic. You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinian crisis to resolves itself.
Madeline Wuntch: That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naive.
Captain Holt: And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: No flaccid rejoinder? Huh. What's going on?

Captain Holt: And since my arrival, violent crime has gone down by 17.3%, as you can see here.
Madeline Wuntch: Two-toned graphs? You think you can distract me from the precinct's problems with a flashy presentation? Same old Ray Holt. All sizzle, no steak.