Jake: You did it, Fuzzy. You busted 'em. It's time to come home. "I'm not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am. I've seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons."

Jake: Captain, hey! Welcome to the murder.

Captain Holt: Sergeant, you were in the 1-8 with me. Though you were significantly-
Sergeant Jeffords: Fatter, sir. They called me Terry Titties. Because I had large-
Captain Holt: Titties. Yes, I remember. I never liked that nickname. Though, to be fair, it was accurate.

Captain Holt: Tell me about Peralta.
Sergeant Jeffords: Jacob Peralta is my best detective. He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up.
Captain Holt: That was very well put.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've talked a lot about Jake in my departmentally-mandated therapy sessions.

Gina: He's so suave. Does anyone else get a little bit of a gay vibe? No? Okay.

Amy: What's your name?
Mlepnos: my name?
Jake: Uh-uh.
Mlepnos: Mlepnos.
Jake: Can you spell that please?
Mlepnos: M-l-e-p clay.
Amy: Did you say "clay"?
Mlepnos: Yes, the "clay" is silent.

Gina: She's got a type, which is really any one but you.
Charles: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type, too.

Captain Holt: Everyone, I'm your new Commanding Officer, Captain Ray Holt.
Amy: Speech!
Captain Holt: That was my speech.
Amy: Short & sweet.

Rosa: Tell me who has me for Secret Santa.
Hitchcock: No, that takes all the fun out of it.
*Rosa stares*
It's Scully. He got you a scarf. I'll make him return it.
Rosa: Yes, you will.

Charles: Yeah, he's a little too serious. What do you think, Rosa?
Rosa: Hmm, seems cool.
Charles: Yeah, seems cool, I agree.

Jake: Sorry, dude, but this new guy's just gonna be another washed up pencil pusher who's only concerned with following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep. Morp. Zeep. Robot Captain engage.

Gina: I will tell you on six conditions. Number one, you let me use your office to practice my dance moves. Second-
Captain Holt: How about this? If you tell me, I won't have you suspended without pay.
Gina: Oh, that sounds great.

Amy: I'd also like to apologize for my partner. His parents didn't give him enough attention.

Captain Holt: What's wrong with you?
Jake: Never took off the speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me!

Sergeant Jeffords: Charles Boyle. He's a grinder. Not the most brilliant detective, but he works harder than anyone else. He's not physically gifted.

Jake: Hello, sir! How are you today? I am Detective Right-all-the-Time, and this is my partner Detective Terrible Detective.

Jake: This job is eating me alive. I can't breathe any more. I've spent all these years trying to be the good guy. The man in the white hat, but I'm not becoming like them, I am them.
Amy: Hey, what are you doing, weirdo?
Jake: I'm doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. Actually, ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco.

Captain Holt: First of all, I think you're kind of overdoing it with the manscaping. But more importantly, detective, why do you refuse to take my orders seriously?

Captain Holt: Does he always talk this much?
Amy: I just tune it out. It's like a white noise machine.
Jake: Okay, first of all, that's racist.

Jake: Okay, you know when you use the word rabbi it turns me on, and that is unfair in the work environment. Secondly, your rabbi is a pain in my ass.

Jake: Okay, so the perp came in through the window, left the muddy red footprint, and apparently had sex with the dish rack.

Jake: That's how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys and look good doing it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Now the good ones. Rosa Diaz. Tough, smart, hard to read, and really scary.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy Santiago. She's got seven brothers, so she's always trying to prove she's tough. She and Peralta have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. Ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up.

Amy: Lay off the Captain. That man is going to be my rabbi.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, Scully, Hitchcock and Daniels, they're pretty much worthless. But they make good coffee.

Rosa: Maybe it's just old person gunk. You know how old people always have that gunk on them.