Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Deputy Commissioner: What are you doing? I told you to back off, Peralta.
Jake: First off, the name's Santiago. Detective Amy Santiago. Second, I'm arresting your son. Which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice, but it's the one I'm making. Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.

Rosa: Thank you, Carlene. Your entire life is garbage.

Sergeant Jeffords: Baby, I've got some bad news. Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan. No, you can not have an SUV now. Those things roll, baby, they roll!

Jake: Has anyone ever told you you look just like a statue?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Captain Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker. The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?
Jake: That one's the dump.
Captain Holt: They're both your locker.

Jake: From this point on, I'll do every part of the job perfectly. Perfecter than perfectly.
Captain Holt: It's more perfect. You said that imperfectly.
Jake: I was testing you. You did perfectly.

Jake: Okay, thank you for that Santiago. I'm going to put you down for Don't Arrest. And I'm also going to put your phone number on every urinal in Rikers.

Jake: Are you a minor? How old are you?
Trevor: 610. I'm a Highlander.
Jake: Okay, you know what? I'm going to put that in there, and then you're going to be tried as an adult Highlander, and they're going to cut your head off. Is that what you want?

Captain Holt: Why is there yoghurt on this?
Jake: The Deputy Commissioner threw my report in Terry's trash can, and he'd been eating yoghurt earlier.
Captain Holt: Terry loves yoghurt.

Amy: High ceilings, three bedrooms. Why does every perp have a nicer apartment than me?

Jake: Honestly, when I think about spending the rest of my life with a babysitter, she's kind of a cute blonde named Erica, and she always has pizza money and lets me stay up as late as I want.
Amy: How old are you in this scenario?

Charles: We found the cocaine behind a green hamper. Never said green or the letter H.
Gina: She said blue and yellow, Charles. I don't know if there's any kindergärtners present but those two colors combined make green.

Jake: Oh, come on, really? I'm a few minutes late so you're going to call me out in front of everyone?
Captain Holt: Good idea. Everyone? Gather around. So I can call out Peralta in front of you.

Jake: Did you just say Genital-man? If so, kudos.

Sergeant Jeffords: Let you play your mixtape? Get an iPod, man! Mixtape.

Rosa: Don't arrest him. Just smack him. Hard. With a phone book on a body part no one can see. Know what I'm saying?
Jake: So you're suggesting police brutality?
Rosa: *laughing* I guess so, why?

Captain Holt: This folder is labelled Undies comma Dirty.
Jake: So I won't confuse it with Undies comma Clean.