Amy: Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?
Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Jake: Excuse me. Uh, so earlier at Amy's, I didn't give a real toast because I didn't know what to say. But since that time, a wise unsmiling man named Jerald Jimes made me realize what I am thankful for. So, I'd just like to say I am happy to be here with my family. My super weird family with two black dads, and two Latina daughters, and two white sons, and ... Gina. And I don't know what you (Scully) are. Some strange giant baby? To the Nine-Nine!

Amy: Rosa is even wearing her formal leather jacket.
Rosa: It's the one without any blood on it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Release your sweets!

Captain Holt: My wife was murdered by a man in a yellow sweater!
It's the one case I can't solve.
Don't fight with family.
It can all go away so quickly.
Sign this?

Gina: Wait, are you only hosting dinner because you want to suck up to Holt? Not cool. This was supposed to be about friendship.
Amy: You said the only reason you were coming was to see whether my apartment was the reason I'm single or it was my personality, like you suspected.
Gina: Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse. Love the view up here! Clip clop. Clip clop. Clip clop.

Gina: Oh, my God, Amy, that's so cool that you still live with your Grandmother.
Amy: I live alone. This is my stuff. I like quilts.
Gina: Stop. Each sentence is getting sadder.

Sergeant Jeffords: Everything's spoiled. My lunch is ruined. My chicken, my potatoes, pasta, my meatballs, ham, my yogurt.
Charles: Wow, that's a lot of yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: I love yogurt.

Captain Holt: Yes, I received your "Save the Date" decorative gourd. Your ornamental cornucopia. And this beautiful hand-crafted card of a turkey wearing a tophat.
Amy: It's a pilgrim's hat.
Captain Holt: Where's the buckle, Santiago?

Sergeant Jeffords: Urgh, what's in these?
Amy: Potatoes, butter, a little milk. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders. Of course they're interchangeable.
Amy: Yeah.

Amy: Captain, I want to tell you something. I think you're... Like, when I was a little girl.
Captain Holt: You think I'm like when you were a little girl?
Amy: Forget it. The moment's passed.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Excuse me. Can we please eat? My body is starting to digest itself. Terry needs nutrients!

Captain Holt: Can I help you, Santiago?
Amy: Oh, captain. I didn't expect to see you there.
Captain Holt: In my office?

Gina: Rough night?
Amy: Yeah, it certainly hasn't gone according to plan.
Gina: Oh, no. Oh, Amy, I was ordering a drink called a "Rough Night." It's tequila with a nicotine patch.

Gina: (To Amy) Did you make the cover of "Hair Pulled Back" magazine?

Captain Holt: Hey. What are you all doing here?
Rosa: Amy broke everything and got us kicked out of the bar. Then, we got attacked by rats. It's the best Thanksgiving ever.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully.
Scully: Heya, sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know you gotten a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
Scully: Oh no.
Sergeant Jeffords: Where is it?
Scully: Oh, I don't.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is it in your pockets?
Scully: No, come on.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm gonna shake it out of your pockets.

Charles: So this is your lunch for, like, the month?
Sergeant Jeffords: I need to eat 10,000 calories a day to maintain muscle mass. My wife made me all of this before she left town with the kids. That was everything in my fridge.

Jake: I want to do what I do every year. Sit at home, watch football, and eat mayo nut spoonsies.
Those are spoonfuls of mayo sprinkled with peanuts.
Captain Holt: That's revolting.
Jake: Maybe so, but it's what I invented when I was six because my mom was working so I had to make dinner for myself. My sad story trumps your insult. Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

Captain Holt: Is this about your toast?
Amy: How'd you get that?
Captain Holt: Gina gave it to me. Very well written. There are several compelling anecdotes, the fonts suit the tone. Good work. I did feel, however, the word choice could have been improved in spots. I marked them "awk" for awkward.

Rosa: Looks like you live on the set of Murder, She Wrote.

Jake: Well, I got to say, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The football game's not on so I can still watch it later at home, and it's kind of cool to visit a time before electricity was invented.

Jake: Why do we have to dress up for Thanksgiving? I don't even celebrate that stuff. The whole holiday is based on over-eating. We should be wearing velvet track suits and diapers.

Jake: Hey there, criminal. It's me, Johnny Law.

Charles: I am thankful to have someone in my life who gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning. And I hope that my relationship with this person will only grow ... more intimate.
Gina: Who are you talking about?
Charles: Umm, Hitchcock.

Sergeant Jeffords: I ate one stringbean. It tasted like fish vomit. That was it for me.

Amy: Charles said he loved them.
Charles: I'm a text-book people pleaser. I have a serious problem.
This was great, though. You must be so proud.

Jake: I am thankful that Thanksgiving only comes once a year. People stuff themselves. And then at midnight, they run to appliance stores and trample each other to death. It's a garbage holiday. (Sobs) I'm sorry, I just get emotional when I talk about how bogus Thanksgiving is.