Captain Holt: Please be seated. Friends, colleagues, gawking New Yorkers, we are here today to celebrate the marriage of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago. I've known you both for the last five years. And it has been a true pleasure to watch your distracting childish rivalry evolve into a distracting childish courtship and now into what I'm sure will be a distracting childish marriage. I'm proud of you. And I love you both.
Jake: Permission to say it back?
Captain Holt: Permission granted.
Amy: I love you too, sir.
Jake: Love you, Captain.

Captain Holt: Congratulations once again to Jake and Amy. And now that everyone's here, I have an email that I need to open.
Jake: All right, weirdo, not something we usually announce to the squad.
Gina: It says if he got the commissioner job.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God! What?
Gina: He was too scared to read it all day.
Captain Holt: I was, until I heard something very wise tonight. Life is unpredictable. Not everything is in our control. But as long as we're with the right people, we can handle anything. So I'd like to receive this news with all of you.
Amy: He quoted me.
Captain Holt: Okay, here we go. Well, from the look on my face, I'm sure you can guess what it says.
Jake: No! We have no idea at all. Just tell us, you monster!

Charles: No! I was eavesdropping. I'm always eavesdropping.
Jake: I don't like it.
Charles: Look, I didn't spend the last seven years watching your love ripen, only to have it sullied by a city hall wedding. You're getting married right here, right now.

Amy: Okay, well. I've been planning this wedding for the last six months. And if you told me yesterday everything that was gonna go wrong, I would have had a panic attack that sent me into the ER. But I'm here, and I've never been happier. Life is unpredictable. Not everything's in our control. But as long as you're with the right people, you can handle anything. And you, Jake Peralta, are the right person for me. But I do have some bad news. There is a bomb at this wedding as well.
Jake: What?
Amy: Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors.

Captain Holt: Now I believe you've prepared your own vows?
Jake: Yes, I was going to do an "Addams Family" themed rap, but my beat-boxer isn't here. That's the only reason it's not happening. So, Ames, today has been a crazy day. But I shouldn't be surprised, because we've had a lot of crazy days. There was our first date, our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, and the day you told me you would marry me. Also, yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, because every single day that I get to be with someone as amazing as you is crazy to me. I love you. And I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends. The end.

Charles: This is happening. Jake and Amy are getting married tonight. Title of my sex tape!
Jake: What?

Jake: Hey, I know you. You're Mlepnos.
Mlepnos: No. We have never met.
Jake: No, I'm pretty sure we have.
Mlepnos: You sell me horse blood?
Jake: No.
Mlepnos: Would you like to buy horse blood?
Jake: No.

Teddy: First of all, there's nothing inherently creepy about a wall of Amy photos.

Amy: Cheddar? Are you crazy? What about my-
Jake: Allergies? Got your meds right here. I brought them just in case Hitchcock decided to wear his toupee again. It's very clearly not human hair.
Hitchcock: Human hair is indistinguishable from badger fur.
Jake: That is absolutely not the case.

Amy: Hey, Mlepnos.
Mlepnos: I don't know you.
Amy: Kay.

Captain Holt: Okay. Moving on. Do you, Amy Santiago, take Jake Peralta to be your husband?
Amy: I do.
Captain Holt: And do you, Jake Peralta, take Amy Santiago to be your wife?
Jake: I absolutely do.
Captain Holt: By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I'd like to announce that your honeymoon vacation request status has officially been moved from pending to approved. You're married. You may kiss the bride.

Jake: But I have an idea for a new ring bearer who is very adorable and very obedient.
Charles: I would be-
Jake: I'm talking about Cheddar the dog.
Charles: Yep, right.
Captain Holt: Brilliant. He loves responsibility.

Jake: But, look, I know it seems like everything sucks, but why don't we just get married tomorrow? You know, we won't have a venue or a band or any of our guests, but we could go to city hall.
Amy: Jake, do you really want to get married in the same place people go to get restraining orders?
Jake: Amy Santiago, I would marry you any time, any place. I would marry you in the steaming filth of the Gowanus Canal.
Amy: Sweet. But also, gross.
Jake: I would marry you on the G Train in the summertime when the air conditioning is broken.
Amy: Damn, really?
Jake: I would marry you on top of the Empire State Building.
Amy: Well, that sounds kind of nice.
Jake: During a King Kong attack.
Amy: Oh, yeah, that's not good. Okay. City hall it is.

Jake: I love you so much. You're my dream girl.
Amy: I love you too. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Teddy: Yeah, I felt bad about how everything went down today, so I offered to help.
Jake: Oh, that's nice.
Teddy: Also, are you guys doing that thing where someone gets to object to this union, or is that later?
Amy: We're not doing that.
Teddy: You've outsmarted me. Congratulations.

Sergeant Jeffords: What's going on, guys?
Jake: Someone called in a bomb threat.
Rosa: Seriously? Is this because of Boyle's stupid engagement announcement?
Amy: Yes.
Charles: No!

Jake: Oh, man, you got a whole shrine! Even the eyes are all scratched out.
Amy: Babe, when we're married, we're gonna share everything. Bank accounts, health insurance, arch-nemeses.
Jake: Aww, that's nice, Ames, but you don't have to say that. Charles, will you put this picture of me up on the wall?
Charles: Copy that. You want the eyes scratched out?
Jake: Uh, you know I do.

Amy: Man, it's gonna melt in the sun.
Charles: Don't worry, Amy, I'm gonna keep it chilled with my cool breath.
Jake: Oh, my God, the cake looks amazing! Charles, why are you spitting on it?
Charles: Because I didn't ruin your wedding.
Jake: 'kay.

Amy: I can't handle this. I need a cigarette.
Jake: I knew that you would, so I came prepared. Nicotine patches. You just put it on your shoulder and ... Whoa, stuck it right on your face, huh?
Amy: I want it as close to my brain as possible.
Jake: That's unsettling.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no, I left it in the car! It's not my fault. The driver was so hot. Not for me, for Rosa. She was clearly flirting with her. Oh, I know, I'll just call the company and bring her back here. And then who knows what'll happen?
Rosa: Wait a minute, did you do this intentionally so I'd have to see that girl again?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! That's crazy. This is Jake and Amy's wedding. I would never do that. But you gotta admit, it does seem like the universe is pushing you two together.
Rosa: Terry!

Jake: Charles, it looks amazing.
Amy: It's beautiful. How can I ever repay you?
Charles: Get pregnant. Use your body to give the world more Jake.
Jake: Holy crap. All right. I'm gonna take Charles away from you now. I will see you up there.

Sergeant Jeffords: So are you bringing someone to the wedding?
Rosa: No, I'm taking a break from dating for a while.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Rosa: I'm sick of asking people how many siblings they have. Oh, is it somewhere between zero and two? How fascinating.

Teddy: But seriously, don't worry. I'm a cop. I have a job to do, and I'm gonna do it professionally.
Jake: That's great. I'm happy to hear that.
Teddy: Meaning I will be doing a super thorough sweeping of the building. It's gonna take hours, so you should probably just cancel the wedding. Anyway, congrats you two.
Charles: Congrats on the bomb squad.
Jake and Amy: Charles!
Charles: Right.

Amy: How are you so calm right now? Someone is trying to blow us up.
Jake: I'm calm because there's not really a bomb. I mean, if you're trying to kill someone, you don't call and give them a heads-up.
Amy: So they're just trying to scare us?
Jake: Yeah, but it doesn't matter. The bomb squad's on their way. They'll do a quick sweep, find nothing and split, and this will just become a funny story we work into our vows. "Amy, there was a bomb at this wedding. Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb."
Amy: Please don't say that during the ceremony.
Jake: Is it that you don't like wordplay or you don't want me to talk about your butt at all? Because one of those notes is really gonna pull a thread.

Captain Holt: Ring bearer, please, bring the rings.
Jake: But I thought Cheddar was sick- Oh, my God. You got the robot. There's a robot at my wedding.

Amy: Boyle, I don't even have a dress.
Charles: You can wear Gina's. I'm sure it's white.
Amy: There's no way Gina was gonna wear a white dress to my wedding.
[later]
Gina: No, I definitely was.
Amy: What?
Gina: I thought you'd just wear a Grey pantsuit or something. I would never wear a Grey pantsuit to your wedding, I promise you that.

Charles: So here it is. I really hope you like it. But if you don't, I will kill myself.

Amy: Jake.
Jake: Ames, you look beautiful. But when are you getting your makeup put on? Y'all, she woke up like this.

Jake: All right, listen up. I think I know how to fix this. All we have to do is figure out who my arch-nemesis is, track him down and get him to admit to Teddy that there's no bomb. We have three hours to save this wedding.
Amy: That's good. I love you so much.
Jake: I love you too. Wait. You're talking to the nicotine, aren't you?
Amy: I can love two things.

Jake: I can't believe this is a rec center. It looks amazing.
Charles: You look amazing. Foxy as hell.
Sergeant Jeffords: Simmer down, Boyle.
Jake: No, no, I love it. Amp it up, Boyle.
Charles: Happy to. Jake, your body's kicking and skin is clear as a summer day.
Jake: Ooh!

Amy: I planned everything so perfectly, and now it's all falling apart.
Jake: No, it isn't. Take a deep breath. All right, we got this. Terry, Rosa, will you please take this veil to a dry cleaner. And if they won't do a rush job, make them. Use force.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, we're not gonna abuse our power.
Jake: Of course not. We're good cops. I was just exaggerating. Rosa, I was not exaggerating.
Rosa: Great.

Jake: Okay, now for the ring bearer situation. This actually might be a blessing in disguise. I know that he's your nephew, but I wasn't super jazzed about Mason.
Amy: Yeah, he should be cuter.
Jake: His face is too small for his head. He's a "Dick Tracy" villain.

Gina: I'm gonna go with Holt. Seems like people are pairing off for adventures and we have the best rapport.

Jake: But that reminds me, you two, our wedding band cancelled last minute, and I need you to find a replacement.
Scully: You can count on us.
Hitchcock: Flattop and The Freak. We always deliver.
Amy: Our band cancelled?
Jake: Not in any way, shape or form. But it's a very stressful day and I thought things would go better without Hitchcock and Scully here.
Amy: Aw, that's so smart.

Amy: Who would do something like this?
Jake: Well, I clearly have an arch-nemesis. Finally. Must be someone I put away who's hell-bent on revenge. He's probably gonna make me choose between saving the city and saving the woman I love. Little does he know, I can save both.

Jake: The bomb squad is already here. And they brought a robot. This is exactly how I imagined my wedding would be when I was a kid.

Sergeant Jeffords: But you never know when you're gonna find your dream person.
Anyone on the street could be they.
Rosa: All right, it feels like you Googled "how to talk to your bisexual friends."
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah.

Jake: You look beautiful.
Amy: Thank you. This dress is incredible. Gina, this would have been so crazy if you wore this to our wedding.
Gina: I know.

Amy: Did you talk to our parents?
Jake: Yeah. They ended up having dinner together. It sounded like they had fun. Our dads only got in one arm-wrestling match.
Amy: Who won?
Jake: Neither. They both threw out their shoulders.

Captain Holt: Where is he? Cheddar? Cheddar! Cheddar the dog!
Gina: Oh, he ate the cake.
Captain Holt: Oh, Cheddar, you furry little pig.

Gina: What are you guys doing here?
Jake: Well, Gina, there was a bomb threat; Teddy won't let us in the building; and we had to get our cake out of the sun; and now you're in charge of it so we can go find my arch-nemesis.
Gina: All right.
Jake: Thank you very much.

Alicia: So I only had one passenger after you, and he got off here.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, what did he look like?
Alicia: I don't know. I mean, he was wearing some dumb hat. I'm sorry, I know that's not helpful-
Rosa: All hats are dumb. Ha! [snort]
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell? Is that your laugh?

Captain Holt: Everything okay?
Gina: Don't know. They only said "Gina" once, and it was kind of in the beginning.

Charles: Okay, Gillespie's apartment's right over here.
Jake: Oh, this is exciting. We're gonna catch my arch-nemesis. Do you think he has a shrine of photos of me with the eyes scratched out?
Charles: Let's not rule out the very real possibility that it's entirely sexual.
Jake: Oh, man, that would be super upsetting and so cool.
Charles: I know.

Amy: Hey, do you remember Dario Moretti, that money launderer I arrested? He lives right around here too.
Jake: So?
Amy: He hated me. What if this is the work of my arch-nemesis and not yours?
Jake: So you're suggesting I'm not involved in this at all? I mean, you hear yourself, right? That's a bit of a stretch.

Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa! What the hell are you doing?
Rosa: What? You were the one that said-
Sergeant Jeffords: That was before the veil went missing, when life was breezy!

Teddy: Okay, Amy. I got through every room and I cleared them very fast, because I love you and I want you to be happy, even if it's with somebody else. Did that new tactic work?
Amy: No.
Jake: You just called it a tactic.

Amy: How did this guy even find out about the wedding? The stupid engagement announcement Charles put in the paper! It had the time and location of the ceremony.
Charles: Amy, be very careful about throwing around accusations like that, because if you're trying to say I somehow ruined Jake's wedding, then I'm gonna kill myself! So tread lightly.

Captain Holt: Oh, my.
Gina: What?
Captain Holt: I just got an email from the mayor's office telling me if I'm the next commissioner of the NYPD.
Gina: Well, well, well, finally something to care about today.

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, she should be here any minute. Her name is Alicia.
Switch with me. That's your good side.
Rosa: I have a bad side?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, damn, you didn't know?

Jake: Teddy, let's get everything out on the table here. Last time we saw you, you kind of proposed to Amy. So you're not still in love with her, right?
Teddy: No, I definitely am. My therapist told me to stop trying to get over it.
Jake: Oh, weird that you wouldn't hide it even for your own pride.

Teddy: Amy Santiago.
Jake: Amy, look. Your ex-boyfriend is here on our wedding day. Why?
Teddy: This is my crew. Yeah, you called me boring, so I leveled up my cool. And now I run the bomb squad. I also started traveling. I went to Belgium. They have the best spaghetti.

Amy: Are you actually mad that someone might not hate you?
Jake: Yeah, I am, Amy! Oh, wow, that's a bad color on me, isn't it?

Jake: Let's go check on Teddy. I'm sure he's made a ton of progress.
Teddy: Nope. Haven't even gone in yet. Still putting on the bomb suit. Yeah, my job is super dangerous, but I like living life on the edge. Just kind of sexy if you think about it.

Jake: There's no bomb. If they wanted us dead, they wouldn't have called first.
Teddy: It's not always the bomber who calls. Maybe he had a young daughter, found a key to his secret room, came across some blueprints, felt guilty, and wanted to save your life.
Amy: Seems unlikely.
Teddy: Well, Amy, in this life, it's sometimes the unlikeliest outcomes that-
Jake: Feels like you're winding up to propose again here.
Teddy: I was. Good catch.
Teddy: Amy, would you-
Amy: No!
Jake: You still did it.
Teddy: All right. Well, this is gonna take a while, so you have time to reconsider. Off to do my super dangerous job.

Jake: So it seems like he died because of me. Just gonna lock that up in a little box in my brain and never open it.

Jake: Oh my god! Why is this so heavy?
Amy: 'Cause you made them do an all-frosting interior.
Jake: Oh, yeah. I can't wait to eat it.

Gina: Did you read the email? Are you the commissioner?
Captain Holt: I haven't opened it yet.
Gina: What?
Captain Holt: Today is Peralta and Santiago's wedding. I don't want to make it all about me.
Gina: So you're scared to open it?
Captain Holt: Don't be absurd. I simply want everyone to focus on the bride and groom, and not on whether my lifelong dream, which I spent decades working towards, has collapsed in front of my eyes, leaving me untethered in this world and unsure of my very future with the NYPD.

Amy: Were you able to trace the number that called in the threat?
Jake: Yes. It was a burner, but they caught it pinging off a cell tower in Fort Greene one block away from the last known address of Frank Gillespie.
Amy: Who?
Jake: I arrested him for armed robbery in 2008, and he got out of Rikers a year ago. He's got be my arch-nemesis. He's definitely obsessed with me.
Amy: Just 'cause you arrested him?
Jake: Well, we didn't have enough evidence against him at first, so let's just say I had to get a little creative.
Amy: You framed him?
Jake: What? No. Ames. I went undercover and became best friends with him. And then he told me about his lymphoma, and we ran a 10K together, and then I arrested him. He felt so betrayed. The trial was very emotional.

Sergeant Jeffords: Here it is. Uh-oh. It's kind of dirty looking. But, you know, that's why they put it in a dry cleaning bag. I'm sure everything inside is totally ... Nope. Soaked in urine. Damn it, New York!