Jake: Fake heist went perfectly.
Sergeant Jeffords: So did the real heist. Why is your face twitching like that?
Jake: Oh, Amy tased me a bunch. I bit my own tongue. It was awesome.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: Terry, what you did today was awesome and I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I took things too far.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you kidding me? I was just guilting you as a tactic. I love how crazy the heist gets.
Jake: Okay, good, 'cause what I really wanted to say is next heist I'm gonna drown you in your own blood.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah? Well, then I'm gonna rip your arms off and beat you to death with 'em.
Jake: Oh.
Kevin: I'm going to slice your Achilles' tendons, peel off your fingernails, and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
Both: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Raymond, you were right. These heists are fun.

Captain Holt: Santiago, shall we join forces?
Amy: Ooh, smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.
Captain Holt: Again with this nonsense? I'm the reigning champ. The only thing you won last heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake.
Amy: [GASPS] How dare you. No one thinks you won last year.

Charles: Well, it worked. Jake brought in Scully's twin just like I planned when I connected them on Facebook, but he had no idea they hated each other. And when everyone was fighting, they were too distracted to notice old Shlomo. They all underestimated me, Rosa, but today, they will learn the error of their ways, for today, I will prove that nobody gets the best of Charles Boyle.
Rosa: I doused your beard in chloroform.
Charles: Really? I find that very hard to beli- [drops to the floor]