Jake: Okay, I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan. Best idea gets 50 bucks. Throw 'em on out.
Charles: What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead? Like, they died of cancer.
Jake: Charles, that is so dark. I'm putting it down.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Gina: Gina's authentic stolen police badges. How can I help?
Jake: Hey, it's Peralta.
Gina: Oh, hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
Gina: Of course. I'm not an animal.

Captain Holt: Still waiting, sergeant.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just, the target looks exactly like a friend of mine. It's freaking me out.
Captain Holt: You have a friend, who's just a silhouette?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes!