Captain Holt: All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of alcohol, overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct orders. Everyone involved tonight is gonna get written up.
Jake: Okay, fine. Here's everyone who was there. Jake Peralta, J. Peralta, Dr.
Jacob Peralta, who has a PhD in slow-jam studies from Funktown State University, also involved was the right honorable J-
Captain Holt: Okay, enough.
Jake: My point is it was a Peralta special, sir. No one else was there.
Captain Holt: Well, Detective, I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of a team. Everybody go home. Sleep it off.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Gina: Gina's authentic stolen police badges. How can I help?
Jake: Hey, it's Peralta.
Gina: Oh, hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
Gina: Of course. I'm not an animal.

Captain Holt: Still waiting, sergeant.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just, the target looks exactly like a friend of mine. It's freaking me out.
Captain Holt: You have a friend, who's just a silhouette?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes!