Charles: Man, this sucks. This case would have been the perfect chance for you to prove to Holt that you deserve that task force.
Jake: Yeah. Maybe it still is. Holt thinks Dillman's the best detective he's ever worked with, so what happens if I solve the case before him? Then I become the best detective Holt has ever worked with, and he has to give me the task force. Dillman thinks he knows everything about me as a person, but there's one thing he doesn't know. I'm about to take him down... Oh, my God, he's staring right at us. Quick, pretend like I was saying something else.
Charles: Yes, Jake, you were young when you lost your virginity.
Jake: Thank you, Charles!

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Captain Holt: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.

Dillman: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Charles: [gasps]
Jake: What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.
Jake: Yeah, it's... obviously it's the title of his sex tape. Everyone's taking my stuff.

Jake: Fair point, but we do shatter a lot of glass around here. Either it's Rosa who's disappointed in her Buzzfeed results...
[flashback to Rosa on a computer:]
Rosa: I am not a Blanche! [throws the mouse through a window]