Jake: Okay, both of you, stop. You're acting like children. You know what? That's it, if you're gonna act like kids, then I'm gonna act like a parent.
Roger Peralta: "Cry Hard with a Vengeance"?
Jake: Yeah. It's Bruce Willis's book about parenting. And we're gonna read it.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Hitchcock: Please, don't go looking for that witness.
Amy: We're just trying to fix your screw-up.
Scully: We didn't screw up. The witness gave us his name, but he asked us not to write it down because he's undocumented.
Rosa: So he's scared to show up to testify at the courthouse because he didn't want to be detained by ICE.
Amy: Damn it.
Hitchcock: You know, that keeps lots of immigrants from helping cops.
Rosa: Yeah, we know that. We're just surprised that you know that.
Scully: That's insulting. I'm very concerned with immigration issues.
Hitchcock: And I've dated my fair share of spicy...
Rosa: No!
Amy: Scully said the nice thing. You don't need to go past it, Hitchcock.

Captain Holt: Okay. Give me your flute. Wrong! First rule: never give anyone your flute.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, we're so happy for you, but we also maybe, kind of already knew. I mean, you didn't do the best job of hiding it.
[flashback:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why have you been carrying that box around so much?
Amy: I just love this box.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Why are you reading that newspaper? It's two days old.
Amy: I just love this issue.
[flashback:]
Rosa: Hey, why are you wearing that Hazmat suit?
Amy: I just love this look.