Jake: Captain Holt is in pain, and we need to help him get back together with Kevin.
Amy: No, we don't. Holt is a very private person. We shouldn't get involved.
Jake: Okay, you guys probably don't know this, but my parents got divorced when I was a kid, and it really messed me up.
Amy: Yeah, we know.
Charles: Oh, my God.
Jake: What, do I talk about it a lot? It doesn't matter. The point is, we can't let that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.
Rosa: So we're just dispensing with subtext now?
Jake: Yes, this workplace is my family... was that not clear? Holt is my dad, you're my mean older sister, Amy's my mom.
Amy: What?
Jake: What did I say?
Amy: You said, "Amy is my mom."
Jake: Nobody said anything! We don't have time for this, Amy. Now, who's gonna help me Parent Trap Holt and Kevin? Seriously? Nobody's on board with my scheme? Is it because I called it a scheme? I can say something different. Nobody's on board with my stratagem?

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: Guys, come on, I've got a great plan here. No one wants in?
Sergeant Jeffords: Absolutely not!
[later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Tell me the plan. I want in.
Jake: What? You do?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. Terry loves love.
Jake: Then why didn't you back me up in there?
Sergeant Jeffords: Because Terry also loves hedging.
Jake: Terry loves hedging? That's new.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, it's classic Terry. Look, I always play both sides till the last possible minute, everyone knows that.
Jake: That's not fair. Everyone's so hard on me. I want a public show of support for my plan.
Sergeant Jeffords: Can't do it. Look, I don't know what's so tough for you to understand here. I love the scheme, I wanna be a part of it, but I think it's gonna fail, and I don't want people to think I was a part of it.
Jake: Fine, I'll take what I can get.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes!

Captain Holt: He's tired from driving, so he's staying the night and going back in the morning.
Jake: Well, that could be good. Maybe you guys can spend some time together.
Captain Holt: We've agreed to keep our distance and issue a verbal warning anytime one of us is about to enter the room. [shouts] Raymond Holt entering the kitchen! [exits]
Amy: Jake, this is bad.
Captain Holt: [o.s.] Raymond Holt entering the second sitting room.

Jake: What did Kevin say? Is everything okay?
Captain Holt: No. We just had a knock-down, drag-out fight.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: My calendar had the Lake House as free.
Kevin: Strange. Mine had it as unoccupied.
Captain Holt: Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
Kevin: I would call it more of a deadlock.
[present:]
Captain Holt: He gets in such good zingers.