Doug Judy: So that's how it is? When it's gonna end with me in prison, we can have a good time. But now it's gonna end with me riding off into the sunset a free man, and we're all moody?
Jake: You're not escaping. And if you did, I would lose my badge.
Doug Judy: Maybe it's for the best. You'd make a dope realtor.
Jake: I don't want to be a realtor.
Doug Judy: You're telling me you don't want to sell a penthouse to Zayn Malik and then party with him afterwards?
Jake: I mean... that does sound kind of cool.
Doug Judy: Next thing you know, you're the go-to guy for all of One Direction's property needs. [chuckles] Whoo!
Jake: No! There's too much tension between Zayn and the others. You're selling me a pipe dream.

Captain Holt: No, no, no. He's not a cop. He can't be wearing any of this.
Jake: It's just a windbreaker. It's not like I gave him a badge and a gun. ... Uh, he has both of those things.
Doug Judy: It's not loaded. I just want to cock it and say a cool cop catch phrase. (COCKS GUN) New York's finest just got a whole lot finer.

Doug Judy: Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once. A cop and a criminal working together. (GASPS) We need a theme song. The Pontiac Bandit and Jake the cop-
Jake: Oh!
Doug Judy: Taking down crooks, In the streets where they live, Flirting with girls who are hot for the badge-
Jake: There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime.

Captain Holt: Give me some details.
Doug Judy: Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s. He texted me last week. Needs some cars to deliver his product. I said no because drugs are stupid. Except for weed and sex pills. A man has needs. [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. I can't think of your last name, baby.
Captain Holt: Enough crooning!

Doug Judy: [hip-hop beat] ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪ A lot of room for uh's. I like that.
Jake: I thought you would.
Doug Judy: ♪ Doug and Jake rolling down the street ♪
Jake: ♪ PB and J, a tasty little treat ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet ♪
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it. ♪ Making sandals that last is our ideology ♪ ♪ Made real by our patented, strapless technology ♪ It's magnets.
Doug Judy: [laughing] Okay! ♪ Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach ♪
Jake: ♪ Wear 'em on a hike ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike ♪
Both: ♪ Doug and Jake, two best friends ♪ ♪ With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Rah! ♪
Jake: [laughs] That was crazy. We never even rehearsed and just did it perfectly. It was like Jackson Maine and Ally.
Doug Judy: I call Ally.
Jake: Aw, I wanted Ally.

Jake: [groans] Parenting is exhausting.
Amy: You're tired because you were up until 5:00 in the morning playing a game on your phone.
Jake: It's not a game. It's a realistic pizza parlor simulator. [chuckling] It's very different. There's no winning.
Amy: Then why do you play?
Jake: To earn pizza points to get better toppings.

Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: What are you doing? Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times?
Jake: Seems like a loaded question.
Charles: Oh, that's not even half my load.