Jake: Wait. What if I admit I made an error and apologize?
Frank O'Sullivan: He is speaking hypothetically. You'll notice he never used the S word and he never used the M word.
Jake: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.
Frank O'Sullivan: Holy [bleep]! Let the record show that he didn't say anything specific.
Jake: I arrested a man without a sufficient probable cause in a case I was removed from.
Frank O'Sullivan: He has no idea what he's talking about.
Jake: I then followed my victim to his home...
Frank O'Sullivan: Now's a good time for us to leave.
Jake: In an act that could only be seen as police intimidation.
Frank O'Sullivan: La, la, la, la, la, la.
Jake: I take full responsibility for my mistake, and I'm willing to say as much in a court of law.
Frank O'Sullivan: La, la, la, la, la, la.
Jake: And what's more, I'm very, very sorry!
Mel Jenkins: Yeah, he has to be suspended. I'm sorry.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah, don't you start.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Really never seen Speed, sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

Charles: Uh-oh, I know that strut. Little hip swing, playful butt bounce... Somebody made a collar!
Jake: Not loving you talking about my butt bounce, but, also, hell, yeah, someone collared a big dog!
Charles: Woof, woof!

Rosa: So you lost a Speed That sucks. At least you didn't have a Sister Act taken from you.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Bracco confessed. The undercover operation is over.
Rosa: But I just got a spot in the choir.
[present:]
Jake: Wait, is that the real reason you left the force?
Rosa: It didn't help.