Jake: Quick question, sir. You know how we've been trading favors back and forth, and it's your turn to give me one?
Captain Holt: None of that is true.
Jake: Yeah, I know.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Rosa: And when this is over, I'm going to find you, and I'm going to break those little fingers.
Judge: Ms. Diaz, please stop threatening the stenographer!

Rosa: Why do you care so much about some old reporter?
Jake: Some old reporter? Is the sky just some big blue hat that the world wears?
Rosa: No. And no one has ever thought that.
Jake: My point exactly.

Jake: That hurt so bad. Let me know when he's gone so I can slide onto the nice, cool floor.