Captain Holt: Both of you have done exemplary work, which I appreciate.
Jake: And I can see that by the absolutely no indicators on your face.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Jake, do you know why little boys pull little girls' pigtails on playgrounds?
Jake: Because they're so easy to grab, they're just begging to be pulled.
Charles: Because they like the girls and that's the only way they know how to get their attention.
Jake: What are you saying?
Charles: All of this teasing. This elaborate date. Somewhere deep down, you like Amy. Like like her like her.

Hitchcock: What bet? What are you guys talking about?
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doing all day?!
Hitchcock: Nothing. Why, you want to hang out?

Captain Holt: Oh, I've caused a problem. I think I am getting a text message. Bloop. Ah, there it is.