Captain Holt: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
Jake: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in his own pool. Big difference.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Rosa: And when this is over, I'm going to find you, and I'm going to break those little fingers.
Judge: Ms. Diaz, please stop threatening the stenographer!

Rosa: Why do you care so much about some old reporter?
Jake: Some old reporter? Is the sky just some big blue hat that the world wears?
Rosa: No. And no one has ever thought that.
Jake: My point exactly.

Jake: That hurt so bad. Let me know when he's gone so I can slide onto the nice, cool floor.