Captain Holt: I'd like to text my husband to tell him I'll be coming home late tonight.
Jake: Okay, but for security reasons, I get to craft the message.
Let's start with a pleasant greeting. How about, "Hello, honey".
Captain Holt: You will not craft the message.
Jake: Roger that. Honey's wrong. How about "Hello, husband". "Hello, sir"? You call each other sir?

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Amy: Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but this is exactly the type of job I would love to have.
Captain Holt: Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.
Amy: Thank you, sir. I can't wait. I didn't mean- Let's catch this bastard.

Jake: Boyle, frisk the skinny one.
Charles: I've gone 42 years without a lump of coal. I'm not gonna start now.

Jake: Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going, Cold Mountain? I changed your codename.
Captain Holt: To use the restroom.
Jake: I'm only asking this for your safety. Is it a number one or a number two?
Your silence indicates number two.