Jake: All right, let's go over our disguises. I am Herbet Goffleman from San Diego. I came here to stand in the cold outside The Today Show holding a sign with a misspelled word on it.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Jake: And this beautiful basketball-loving Die Hard fan is tearing down my walls of defenses. If we find out that she is half-Jewish, we are all doomed!

Gina: You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

Charles: Sexy train is leaving the station. Check out this caboose. Later, sluts.