Sergeant Jeffords: Well, can you see anything from up there?
Jake: Yes, I can Stink Puddle Manor, about 65 trees sunward.
Man, one day in the woods, and I'm freakin' Lewis and Clark up here.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, I've got two kids, a job, and a very pregnant wife. I get one hour a week to myself on Sundays.
You know what I do with that time? I run a hot bubble bath, wheel in a TV, and watch sports bloopers.
Charles: Sports bloopers?
Sergeant Jeffords: They're hilarious and relaxing, and they humanize my heroes.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait a second, Peralta. You busted through a window for no reason?
Jake: Basic police tactic, Sarge.
Cover every exit.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was a sealed window on the fifth floor.
You could have just gone in the door with Charles.
Jake: Yeah, but then what would my catchphrase have been?
"Knock, knock, who's there? Justice"?
Ooh, that's actually amazing. Charles, write that down.
Charles: Already did.