Jake: Look, I think you might be overreacting a little to this prank, and I should know. You probably won't believe this, but I was bullied in high school for being too handsome.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't believe you.
Jake: You're right. It was for setting my crotch on fire in shop class. Hurt like the dickens. Point is, haters gonna hate. Shake it off. Taylor Swift, always right.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Oh, hey, can I borrow that? Genevieve's out of town. I need two phones so I can send her a "frontie" and a "backie."
Gina: I don't want your ass in my cloud.

Charles: Well, you let me know if there's anything I can do.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yes, I will stay at your home. Thank you.
Charles: Me? What, how, now?
Adrian Pimento: You just said you wanted to help. Oh, unless you weren't being serious, which I would get. I've been betrayed before. For instance, by the grapefruit spoon guy.
Charles: No, no, no, no, definitely. You could stay with me.
Adrian Pimento: Oh! You're the best, Chuck! Thank you! But for real, get yourself some good ear plugs, because I really downplayed how horrible those night screams are.
Charles: Ah.
Adrian Pimento: All right, I'll see you later, roomie.

Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, now they send me cats to remind me of that day and rub it in my face. I'm gonna go put a ad online so I can find someone to adopt this evil, little turd.