Sergeant Jeffords: What up, Jake? Why are these dicks out of their cage?
Jake: I stayed up all night working on your case, and Hans, John, and Nakatomi made for great company. I gave them all Die Hard names.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Charles: Oh, hey, can I borrow that? Genevieve's out of town. I need two phones so I can send her a "frontie" and a "backie."
Gina: I don't want your ass in my cloud.

Charles: Well, you let me know if there's anything I can do.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yes, I will stay at your home. Thank you.
Charles: Me? What, how, now?
Adrian Pimento: You just said you wanted to help. Oh, unless you weren't being serious, which I would get. I've been betrayed before. For instance, by the grapefruit spoon guy.
Charles: No, no, no, no, definitely. You could stay with me.
Adrian Pimento: Oh! You're the best, Chuck! Thank you! But for real, get yourself some good ear plugs, because I really downplayed how horrible those night screams are.
Charles: Ah.
Adrian Pimento: All right, I'll see you later, roomie.

Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, now they send me cats to remind me of that day and rub it in my face. I'm gonna go put a ad online so I can find someone to adopt this evil, little turd.