Cassie Sinclair: Well, I always keep my laptop in this bag, but this morning, it was gone.
Jake: Nine times out of ten, in a case like this, it's a stalker. Whoever jimmied the lock didn't know what they were doing.
Mark Devereaux: I concur. This was a real hack job. Hi, Mark Devereaux.
Gary Lurmax: He plays Detective Cole Tracker on the show.
Jake: Yeah, he does. And if I know Cole Tracker, the next thing you're going to say is-
Jake and Rosa: So what's it gonna be: rock, paper, scissors or gun?
Mark Devereaux: You watch the show. I like that. So get me up to speed. Who's been in here since the incident?
Rosa: What's he doing?
Jake: Ohh. I think he must be one of those actors who has to stay in character all the time. I heard Dustin Hoffman did this on the set of "Tootsie" and everyone hated it.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Gina: We've been going for a while you feeling hungry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Starving, thanks. [Gina throws the yogurt against the wall] Oh, come on!
Gina: You get a yogurt when I get the truth.
Amy: Oh God, it's in the grout. It's gonna smell in here forever.

Charles: My point is, I'm worried that Veronica will never forgive Terry. Is there anyone above her that you can appeal to?
Captain Holt: She reports to Deputy Commissioner Grayson. I've already tried to set up a meeting with him. He's on vacation with his family in the Poconos.
Charles: Okay, so maybe we find out where he's staying and just happen to run into him and accidentally strike up a little convo about the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: That seems rather underhanded.
Charles: Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.
Captain Holt: What?
Charles: Measures. I said measures.

Rosa: Hey, man. We gotta be cool, all right? I know you have some fantasy about being a movie star.
Jake: I don't fantasize about being a movie star. I fantasize about meeting one. And being invited to a party at George Clooney's villa, where he pranks me and then we prank Matt Damon together and then Damon's like "Peralta, you got the goods. You're gonna be the star of my next movie." Wait, maybe I do want to be a movie star.