Sergeant Jeffords: The presentation! I didn't do it. Okay, I just need to add color. It'll only take two minutes. Stall him.
Jake: Okay, no problem. I'm definitely got two minutes worth of stall material.
[in the hallway with Captain Holt:]
Jake: Okay, Sarge will be right out. In the mean time, why don't you and I just chat, you know, for a couple minutes about brumpst.
Captain Holt: Brumpst?

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Charles: See you in hell, partner. [Charles pushes the K-13 robot off the balconey]
[present:]
Jake: You killed her?
Charles: Her? Oh, my God, it was a her. You were replacing Amy, not me. What have I done?

Jake: Can I help you with something?
Captain Holt: I'm concerned that my presentation isn't, uh, "jazzy" enough to compete with Jeffrey's. He's such a showman.
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: I'm thinking about augmenting the graphs with, um, color.
Jake: Sir.
Captain Holt: I know. I'm debasing myself. Anyway, give this to Jeffords. He's the artist. I'd like him to choose the, um-
Jake: Color?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Jake: Attention, our boss is headed this way. Everyone has to clear the hallway right now.
[The crowd grumbles]
Amy: Shh!
[The crowd is silent]
Charles: [whispering] Wow, she is great at shushing.
Jake: I know, she's like a librarian.
Rosa: You mean, like a sexy librarian?
Jake: No, a regular one.