Quotes from ‘Cop-Con’

Cop-Con

Cop-Con
Season 4, Episode 17 - Aired May 9, 2017

The precinct packs up and heads to the Tri-State Police Officers' annual Cop-Con, which is usually the Nine-Nine's excuse for a big annual party. But the squad's fun is threatened this year when Holt asks them to be on their best behavior. Then, Amy suddenly vanishes hours before taking the Sergeant Exam, and it's up to Jake and Rosa to find her before it's too late.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, why are you doing that?
Captain Holt: On the other side of your trunk, is the worst person I've ever met. Captain Jeffrey Bouche, the living embodiment of evil.
Jeffrey Bouche: Raymond Holt? As I live and breathe. You have not aged a day. So how's Kevin? How's Cheddar? Come on. Tell me everything.
Captain Holt: Kevin is fine. Cheddar is a dog. He has no concept of good or bad.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: You're being a little harsh on him, Captain.
Captain Holt: I've been up for promotions against that man on six occasions, and he's prevailed every single time. Why? Because he's a snake.
Sergeant Jeffords: Isn't it possible he gets promotions because he's nice and people like him?
Captain Holt: Please, I hate to say this about anyone, let alone a fellow officer, but that man is full of balogna.
Sergeant Jeffords: Baloney.
Captain Holt: You're right. He's so vile, we should use the crude Americanization of the word. He's full of baloney.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Holt went to bed early 'cause his big speech is in the morning.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, how do you know he's in for the night?
Jake: Because his breakfast order is hanging on the doorknob. Water, comma, hot. Muffin, comma, English. And that means it's time for us to hard, comma, party.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Besides, if he does leave his room, my new partner will warn me.
Charles: New partner?
Jake: K-13.
Robot: Hello.
Jake: It's a robot! I can program it to wait outside Holt's door, and if there's any movement, it'll send us an alert.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, I'm in, but only because your robot is so cool.
Charles: I don't know. It's not that cool. I mean, all he's doing is standing guard. I mean, I could do that.
Jake: Awesome, if you do that, then K-13 can come to the party. [mimics robot] I am programmed to boogie my butt.
Charles: No, I'm going to the party. People prefer me over a robot. Right?

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hey, going pretty good, right?
Charles: Hell, yes. It's like a Bonnie Raitt concert in here.
Jake: No.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Attention, our boss is headed this way. Everyone has to clear the hallway right now.
[The crowd grumbles]
Amy: Shh!
[The crowd is silent]
Charles: [whispering] Wow, she is great at shushing.
Jake: I know, she's like a librarian.
Rosa: You mean, like a sexy librarian?
Jake: No, a regular one.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Can I help you with something?
Captain Holt: I'm concerned that my presentation isn't, uh, "jazzy" enough to compete with Jeffrey's. He's such a showman.
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: I'm thinking about augmenting the graphs with, um, color.
Jake: Sir.
Captain Holt: I know. I'm debasing myself. Anyway, give this to Jeffords. He's the artist. I'd like him to choose the, um-
Jake: Color?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Mm, hey, Captain.
Captain Holt: Are you just waking up? It's 11:00 a.m.
Jake: [scoffs] No, no, I'm just tired 'cause, um, I worked out so much this morning.
Captain Holt: Ah.
Jake: You know, squat 400 on the bench push fitness and whatnot.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: What's up?
Captain Holt: I need my laptop. I wanna practice my speech with the new colors beforehand so I'm not alarmed when they pop up.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Right, right. Um, I know that Terry definitely did do that work, so I'll just go grab 'em. Okay. Uh, you wait here. You can't come in because Amy's naked and she's embarrassed of her weird body.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Where are you on my graphs? The presentation is in 90 minutes.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm definitely all done, but I'm worried, if you're going up against Jeffrey, will color be enough? I was thinking, slide transitions.
Captain Holt: Oh, good grief. Very well, you may add cross dissolves. But so help me God, Jeffords, if I see even one star wipe-

Quote from Charles

Charles: See you in hell, partner. [Charles pushes the K-13 robot off the balconey]
[present:]
Jake: You killed her?
Charles: Her? Oh, my God, it was a her. You were replacing Amy, not me. What have I done?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, I see what's happening here. Uh, due to an issue with the Internet cloud, you are seeing a series of pictures that have nothing to do with me or the 99th precinct.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Captain, I'm sorry that things got out of hand, but you can still be on the board. I read 85 pages of the convention bylaws, and-
Captain Holt: That was unnecessary. I don't wanna be on the board.
Jake: But I read bylaws.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I wanna show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Jake: Okay, but in my defense, Rosa bet me 50 cents that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
Captain Holt: That's not what I wanted to- You drank shampoo?
Jake: What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: This is what I wanted to show you. Do you know what disappoints me most about this about this picture? That I'm not in it. I can't remember the last time I saw the Nine-Nine so happy. And I wasn't there.
Jake: 'Cause you were working on your presentation to get us a win.
Captain Holt: Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win. I wish I had been in that photo.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: This isn't an excuse for you to party. This is a police convention, not the Newport Folk Festival.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, you missed the tech expo. We got all this swag.
Six tote bags. Terry can tote anything. Look, point at something, I'll tote it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, no. Hold still. I'm gonna hide behind you like you're a tree.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, no. The party's not happening. That means we're just in a hotel in Rochester. This is a nightmare.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I learned a bunch of new dance moves for tonight. Ones where you move your butt.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, I talked to some of the vendors at the tech expo, and they agreed to hook us up for the party. Check it out. Disco lights, sound system, and beer cooler. Leak-free, insolated body bag. Our beer is dying to get inside.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, man. Holt didn't want us going to a party, he certainly doesn't want us throwing one.
Jake: Oh, poor, simple Terry. For such a bemuscled specimen, you certainly do frighten easily.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: I promise you, Holt won't find out. His room is all the way across the hotel from ours. He insisted so he'd have a view of the Rochester skyline.
[cut to Jake and Holt in his hotel room:]
Captain Holt: Ah, drink it in, Peralta. The Mustard City.

Quote from Scully

Scully: She's here. She's here. Cindy Shatz is here. What do I do? My face is so wet and my mouth is so dry.
Amy: Okay, calm down. Remember, be direct. Women don't like to play a lot of games.
Gina: I think we gotta start simpler. Okay, Scully, smile at her, don't fart.
Amy: He knows not to- oh, you're writing that down.

Quote from Scully

Scully: This is good stuff. What else you got?
Gina: Don't talk about your foot fungus. Don't talk about your eye fungus. Let's just say "fungus" is off the table.
Amy: Oh, no, see you just wrote the word "fungus" down and I feel like we're barreling towards a misunderstanding.
Gina: Draw a circle around it and then put a line through it. There you go.
Amy: Believe in yourself. Be confident. You're a sweet guy with a big heart.
Scully: It's the size of a giraffe's. Pushes on my other organs.
Gina: Okay, you got this. Don't talk about the giraffe heart.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Jake, this party is insane. Forget Bonnie Raitt, it's like the video to "Love Shack" in here.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Oh, God. It's my new partner.
Charles: You guys are texting each other now?
Jake: It sends alerts.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Captain, what's up?
Captain Holt: Uh, which room is Sergeant Jeffords?
Jake: Oh, Terry's in here with me and Amy. You know, we're just having a low-key night watching "House Hunters International." This orthodontist really wants to live in Panama with his strangely old wife and won't say why.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okay, he's gone. Now just gotta wait for K-13 to give us the all clear.
Charles: Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath. Dumb robot probably rolled into the stairwell. That's why you shouldn't be best friends with this tin can.

Quote from Jake

Jake: [poking an asleep Terry] Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why's my tongue so big?
Jake: Because you're a big person.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: The presentation! I didn't do it. Okay, I just need to add color. It'll only take two minutes. Stall him.
Jake: Okay, no problem. I'm definitely got two minutes worth of stall material.
[in the hallway with Captain Holt:]
Jake: Okay, Sarge will be right out. In the mean time, why don't you and I just chat, you know, for a couple minutes about brumpst.
Captain Holt: Brumpst?

Quote from Jake

Amy: I can't believe you lost the captain's laptop. You were kind of out of control last night.
Jake: I was not. Although, pretty sure my ribs are broken, and I think I'm wearing a pillowcase I cut holes in as a shirt.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Yes. We're unraveling the mystery. It's like we're detectives.
Charles: We are detectives.
Jake: Right. Another thing we remembered. This is going great.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jeffrey Bouche: Oh, Raymond. Of course you have beaten me to the gym. You live life right. It's amazing.
Captain Holt: Workout your legs, Jeffrey. Not your mouth.
Jeffrey Bouche: [chuckles] You are hilarious.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh, Scully. You bummed about Cindy or you just feel at home in a body bag?

Quote from Gina

Scully: She's my soul mate, Amy.
Gina: So she doesn't like you. It happens. I mean, not to me, but not everyone has my combination of elegance and charm and grace and poise, and then just gif-ability. Some would say "jif," but then some would also say "syrup."

Quote from Scully

Amy: Wait, what if we could give Scully our personalities?
Gina: [gasps] He would love that.
Amy: We could talk to him through an earpiece and tell him what to say.
Scully: Okay, but can we attach a string to it? Last time I wore an earpiece, it fell in.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Mm-hmm, and, uh, Santiago?
Amy: I believe that is me throwing up into a pillow case.
Jake: [wearing a pillow case as a shirt] Uh-oh.

Gina: Wow, pint of milk on the rocks. Real Scully move.
Cindy Shatz: Can I help you?
Amy: Hi, we're friends of Scully's, and we're not sure why you rejected him?
Gina: Now, we know Scully's not perfect, his hands smell like clams, and, yeah, over 75% of his body has died, and-
Amy: Gina, you can stop listing things.
Gina: Point is, he's a good guy. You should give him a chance.
Cindy Shatz: I know, when I first meet him, I was intrigued, but then Mr. Confident showed up, I'm not interested in that. Confident people are mean and selfish.
Amy: Wait, you liked awkward Scully? Giraffe-heart Scully?
Cindy Shatz: Oh, my God, he has a giraffe heart? Aww, I bet it pushes on his organs.

Quote from Amy

Amy: They're so cute. Oh, no, Scully, don't put your finger in her mouth. Oh, she likes it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: I know, and I'm sorry you didn't have more fun this weekend. But it's not over, and we are still in Rochester.
Captain Holt: What are you saying?
Jake: I think you know what I'm saying.
[at the Rochester Thermometer Museum:]
Captain Holt: What a thermometer. Look at the mercury reservoir on that mamacita. Oh, Peralta, this is amazing. I'm floating on air.
Jake: Hey, everybody, get in for a picture. Excuse me, sir. Can you take a picture of us?
Captain Holt: Everybody say Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit.
Everybody: Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Yeah, we don't really go for the talks. We're more interested in the extracurriculars. Fart-five.
Captain Holt: Of course, Rochester has much to offer in that sphere. For instance, it's famed thermometer museum.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Thermometer museum? Uh, no thanky. Here's what a-we are all about. One, free hotel rooms.
Sergeant Jeffords: I get to sleep in a bed by myself. No wife, no kids, just Terry starfishing on a Cal King.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Two, a huge hall full of cool police tech.
Rosa: Last year, I got to try out a heat ray.
Jake: Three, the Buffalo P.D. always throws an insane party. Last year, Amy got so drunk, she jumped a police horse into the pool.
Amy: Eight-drink Amy is an equestrian, and she's real bad at it.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: All right, detectives, here are your room assignments. Uh, wait a minute. What's going on here? You guys planning a party?
Jake: What? No, we're just debating our favorite parts of the conference. He likes his Q&A's moderated. I like mine unmoderated.
Captain Holt: Why is that?
Jake: [stuttering] I just- I'm just sick of the moderator bias.
Captain Holt: I couldn't agree more. Your story checks out.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Guys, I was just talking to that amazing woman and I blacked out. Did I get her number?
Gina: No, you chunked it.
Scully: Ugh, of course I did. I'm not Hitchcock when it comes to the ladies.
Amy: You don't wanna be.
Scully: Oh, he's fearless. I once saw him ask out a breastfeeding mother.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ooh, look. It's a robot that can patrol an empty building all by itself.
[gasps] Oh, no, this is how it starts. It's Skynet all over again. Here, let's wait here a second and see if our future selves show up and tell us to destroy it. Nope. Looks like we're in the clear.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Hey, check it out. It's called The Wasp. It's for dispersing crowds of young people. It emits a sound that you can only hear if you're 35 or under.
[High-pitch screeching noise]
[Rosa screams]
[Jake and Charles then start screaming, too]
Jake: Ah, I also hate the sound that I definitely hear.
Charles: Me too. It's so high-pitched or low-pitched. Oh, that was bogus to the extreme.
Jake: So bogus and not tubular. Ugh, my ears are ringing from the pain of being young.
Charles: Ugh, so not gnarly.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Ugh, screw this. I'm gonna get a ride back to Brooklyn with some drifter.

Quote from Jake

Jake: No, we came here to blow off steam and we're not gonna give up yet 'cause we're the Nine-Nine. We're gonna take matters into our own hands Nine-Nine style. That's right, my friends. The Nine-Nine is throwing a big-
Can I borrow $200 for alcohol?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: The Nine-Nine is throwing a party!

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Hey. We're about to do the Taser challenge, you guys want in?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's the Taser challenge?
Rosa: We tase each other, then drink.
Sergeant Jeffords: How do you win?
Rosa: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not?
Jake: Yeah, Terry. What're you, a lawyer? It's Tasers. Get tased at a party, man. Come on.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Hi, Cindy.
Cindy Shatz: Hey.
Scully: So guess what my eye and foot have in common?
Cindy Shatz: What?
Scully: Uh, I can't say. Well, bye.

Quote from Jake

Charles: All right, be quiet! Everybody, be quiet!
Jake: They're not listening to you. Where's Amy? She's great at shushing.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: My, oh, my. Boyle, can you even tell me what is happening in this picture?
Charles: Uh, that's me doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split between two beds. I had to wear my underwear for flexibility.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: You have all embarrassed the precinct. Now when people think of the Nine-Nine, they'll think of, um oh, Detective Diaz filling an iron with tequila.
Rosa: So I could make tequila steam.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I can quite believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm sorry I even came to Rochester.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, it's all right, Scully. We'll find a way to make it up to him.
Scully: Ah, it's not about him, Jake. I'm just sad because I'm an unlovable sack of fungus, and I'm gonna be alone forever.
Jake: Oh, um. Hey, there's probably someone out there for-
Amy: We got this.
Jake: Oh, thank God.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Hey.
Cindy Shatz: Hey.
Scully: You wanna hear a joke?
Cindy Shatz: Okay.
Scully: I don't know any jokes. I should go.
Cindy Shatz: Oh, that's okay. I don't know any jokes either.
Scully: I slept in a body bag last night.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Guys, guys, guys, check it out. Hitchcock fell asleep in the break room, so I put his hand in a bowl of warm water.
Rosa: Come on, man. That's the stupidest prank ever.
Jake: Uh, no, it's the smartest because it involves biology. I bet it worked already. Let's go check.
Jake: Hitchcock, no!
Scully: He's drowning, he's drowning!
Sergeant Jeffords: Save him, man!
Captain Holt: [grunts, gasps]
Rosa: I take it back, Jake. Great prank.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Is everyone packed for the 28th annual Tri-State Police Officers Convention? I hear Bill Powell's giving a lecture on advances in appellate court e-filing techniques. Phew, talk about "can't miss."

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, everybody, just relax. We're still gonna have a great time.
If there's one thing I know, it's how to sneak out to a party without your parents finding out. I used to do it all the time. Well, I did it a few times.
Once, to go to a Magic: the Gathering tournament. I got stuck in the window like Winnie-the-Pooh. There, okay? Now you know everything. My mom had to pull me back in by my ponytail. All right, let's party!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: What is taking so long with those keys? I gotta hit that pillow top. It's starfish o'clock.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Oh, my God, it's like a She-Scully.

Quote from Scully

Scully: I'm, hi. Uh, Norm. Uh, who are you?
Cindy Shatz: Shatz. Uh, Cindy Shatz.
Amy: Scully, shake her hand.
Scully: Oh, uh, here I go. Meet to please you, Shatz.
Cindy Shatz: Your hands are so clammy.
Scully: I ate a bunch of clams earlier and they still smell.
Gina: No, that's not what she meant.
Cindy Shatz: No, it was. Anyway, it was so nice to meet you.
Scully: Why?

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