Captain Holt: Captain Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?

Doctor: We weren't able to do the procedure. Your friend is so large-
Jake: That you needed a bigger saw to cut through his dingus.

Jake: That's so bitter. What's wrong with this chocolate milk?
Store Owner: Dark milk isn't chocolate milk. This is teat-to-mouth raw cow's milk. The bitterness of the chocolate brings out the sourness in the milk.
Jake: That's the worst part of both of those things.

Sergeant Jeffords: I guess I didn't really think of you as that kind of friend.
Jake: Sarge, I'm every kind of friend. I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler, I'm Rachel, I'm - who's the dinosaur guy?
Sergeant Jeffords: Ross, bro. Ross!
Jake: Sorry, I forgot you were such a Ross head.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake! The doctors made me into a superhero. I'm so strong. Oh, and they made me black!

Amy: Oh my God, she's totally gonna flunk us. I haven't gotten an F since I failed recess in second grade. "Teachers need a break too, Amy".

Captain Holt: Here, this is for you. It's a grade for your performance these past few days. A letter grade, so as to not be "weird" about it.
Amy: Oh, my God. You really shouldn't have. An "A". Thank you. Just curious, does your system have pluses in it, or is, like, "A" the highest?

Gina: Hold it up. You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.

Captain Holt: Good news is our evaluation will be done by Deputy Chief Brandt. We have a good rapport. He was once my captain.
Charles: So he's kinda like our grand-captain?
Captain Holt: That is amazingly funny.

Sergeant Jeffords: Dude, your head is so small! Like a... No, no, it's so small! Jake: All right.
Sergeant Jeffords: Where do you keep your brains?

Madeline Wuntch: Wait a minute. You thought I cost you that promotion because you're gay? That's what you've been mad about all these years?
Captain Holt: It's one reason.
Madeline Wuntch: I don't care that you rejected my advances. Your sexual identity is the one thing I actually respect about you.
Captain Holt: Then what are you mad about?
Madeline Wuntch: I'm mad because you tried to get me thrown off the force.
Captain Holt: Yeah, because you shot me.
Madeline Wuntch: I shot you because you were in the wrong position. You weren't following orders.
Captain Holt: What about the time you destroyed my personnel file while I was undercover?
Madeline Wuntch: What if there had been a mole?
Captain Holt: You were trying to make me disappear.
Madeline Wuntch: You embarrassed me in front of Derek Jeter!
Captain Holt: You embarrassed yourself in front of Derek Jeter.

Madeline Wuntch: Spot checks are done. Needless to say I'm thoroughly underwhelmed.
Captain Holt: Huh. From your expression, I would have guessed constipated. Or chilly.

Counselor: He's walking out. Just like your father did.
Jake: Wait a minute. I didn't tell you about that.
Counselor: Didn't have to.
Jake: You are good!

Rosa: Where were you? This is chaos. Gina's been filing evidence by "perp hotness."

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! Cut it out, Cake Boy, you're making health insurance more expensive for everyone else.

Sergeant Jeffords: You gotta promise me, you won't let them give me the operation. I wanna have more kids. I don't want the vasectomy. Promise me, tiny head, promise me!

Jake: Look guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis, then it's his choice.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not what a vasectomy is.

Captain Holt: Santiago, when I greet the deputy chief, I want you there by my side to make a good impression. No offense, but you are something of a teacher's pet.
Amy: None taken. People love their pets.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, you were right. I don't want the surgery, tiny head!
Jake: NYPD! Put down the scalpel and step away from my work friend's wiener tubes.

Charles: Forget friends, let's go as Bone Bros.

Sergeant Jeffords: Stop worrying about my vasectomy, man. Maybe you should focus on your own body. When was the last time you had a carrot?
Jake: Well, it's my least favorite type of cake, so rarely. If I have to, I'll just eat the frosting.

Sergeant Jeffords: If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives.
Amy: And blanks! Sorry, I just never think of jokes.

Madeline Wuntch: Well, good-bye, Raymond. Anything you'd like to say to me before I complete my evaluation? Something in the form of groveling?

Jake: So he has no filter whatsoever?
Doctor: None.
Jake: I'm gonna take ya home now, sarge.
Hey, what do you think of captain Holt?
Sergeant Jeffords: He needs to smoke some weed.

Charles: My ears are burning. Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped. No big deal. Just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Captain Holt: Interesting. I will attempt to co-operate with you under these new circumstances.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't sweet talk me, Holt.
Captain Holt: I gave it my best shot. Let's begin.

Sergeant Jeffords: Anybody else? This is your last chance.
Gina: Ugh, God, no need to be so testes.
Rosa: Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
Charles: Sergeant, is this gonna go on your Spermanent record.
Jake: Now playing, Scrotal Recall.

Sergeant Jeffords: I care about my friends. Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.

Captain Holt: We were doomed the minute she slithered into the precinct. It's funny. When we first met, we had some good times.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Looks like we both want that stapler.
Madeline Wuntch: Seems that way based on what happened.
[Holt and Wuntch chuckle]

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, I have to tell you something.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am a little conflicted about having a vasectomy.
Jake: Really? Is that why you threw an EKG machine at the doctor?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry I thought of you as a work friend. You're here, man. You're a friend friend. You made Terry get real with himself and his genitals. Your tiny head has a big heart inside it.
Jake: I know that's scientifically wrong, but thanks, sarge.

Rosa: Here's what's about to happen. We're gonna go to this terrible party, I'm gonna laugh at all your jokes, gonna talk about your medal of valor, and I'm gonna make you look like a Jamaican God of rhythm.
Charles: Sebastian from the little mermaid.
Rosa: Also, tomorrow, I'm gonna help you find a new apartment. You can't live in your ex-wife's basement anymore.
Charles: Wow! Respect, mon. I'm gonna read you my toast in the car.
Rosa: You're giving a toast?
Charles: More like we're giving a toast.

Captain Holt: I attempted to cajole her but she rebuffed me. I'm not a man of unlimited cajoling.
Amy: Well, you better become one because I need you in command. This precinct needs you in command. Cajole up, captain.

Amy: You're just gonna let her fail us?
Captain Holt: I'm sorry about your precious grade, Santiago, but this isn't about you.
Amy: Don't "this isn't about you" me! I'm "this isn't about you"-ing you!

Madeline Wuntch: It's Deputy Chief Wuntch now. Unsurprisingly, I've been promoted above you. And now I'm here to evaluate you.
Captain Holt: What happened to Brandt?
Madeline Wuntch: He retired and moved to Charleston to be closer to his grandchildren. So much for dying at your desk with a little dignity.

Amy: Excuse me, captain, I don't want to say that I saved the day, but I will because I did. So... The letter of recommendation she wrote for you 25 years ago.
Captain Holt: Where'd you get this?
Amy: I just went down to one police plaza and applied some of my signature Amy charm.
Gina: And then when you wouldn't stop, they just gave it to you?
Amy: More or less.

Sergeant Jeffords: Have you seen this man around DRK MLK?
Woman: Oh, I don't go there. They don't allow babies in there.
Jake: What is wrong with them? All I drank when I was a baby was chocolate milk.

[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Madeline. Would you care for a drink?
Madeline Wuntch: I'd love one.
Captain Holt: I'm sure you can tell I'm quite drunk. I've had a couple to build up the nerve. I think we both know what I'm about to say.
Madeline Wuntch: Raymond, I don't think we need to say anything. [undresses]
Captain Holt: I'm gay. That's what I was going to tell you.
Madeline Wuntch: Well, then.
[present:]
Captain Holt: She sabotaged my career because I refused to bed her.

Captain Holt: And since my arrival, violent crime has gone down by 17.3%, as you can see here.
Madeline Wuntch: Two-toned graphs? You think you can distract me from the precinct's problems with a flashy presentation? Same old Ray Holt. All sizzle, no steak.

Jake: I know, he made me promise to not let him get that surgery. And it wasn't just the drugs. He doesn't want this. As his friend, it's my job to stop him. [screams] Sorry, Terry turned my spine into a loose stack of pebbles.

Gina: Jake, I am so scared that man is about to make a huge mistake, RE: his vas deferens.

Captain Holt: Interesting. I will attempt to cooperate with you. Under these new circumstances.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.
Captain Holt: I gave it my best shot. Let's begin.

Rosa: Dude, why are you going to your ex-wife's engagement party at all?
Charles: She and her fiance, Hercules, are also my landlords. I mean, it's not like I can avoid them. I live in their basement.

Charles: I'm so sorry, I just got some bad news. My sister was gonna go with me to an engagement party but she had to cancel.
Rosa: So go alone. Maybe you'll meet some new bag.
Charles: It's my ex-wife Eleanor's engagement party. I can't go alone. I'm worried it might seem a little pathetic.
Rosa: Yeah, if only you could've gone with your sister.

Captain Holt: The new NYPD commissioner is planning a complete reorganization of the force. But first, he'll be sending a deputy chief to every precinct to conduct a top to bottom evaluation.
Amy: What? When? Are we gonna be graded? Or is this just some pass/fail garbage?
Captain Holt: Scale of one-to-five.
Amy: That's how many letter grades there are. Feels like they're just being weird using numbers instead of letters.
Rosa: Yeah, they're being weird right now.

Jake: Hey sarge, great news. I just got assigned such a dope stabbing. Sorry, the stabbing part is bad. But here's the dope part. The guy survived and he owns a chocolate milk restaurant.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously?
Jake: I know, right? Finally, a dumb Brooklyn hipster trend my mouth and I can get behind.Wanna hop on the case with me? We're a killer team. Jeffords and Peralta. Jake and Terry. Chocolate and milk. I mean, I'm the chocolate and you're the milk 'cause you're so full of protein! Don't be mad! Just do the case!

Gina: Ugh. I didn't strike you when you said knocking boots, but Bone Bros. I can not abide.