Agent Kendrick: What are your demands?
Jake: A guarantee that this drill doesn't end until one of us is dead.
Charles: Also, one large pizza with fennel sausage - brick oven, otherwise it's sog city. And Scully needs some Gasinex, extra strength.
Scully: Chewable!

Scully: I really need that Gasinex. I think there was some dairy in the cheesecake that I ate for breakfast.

Jake: If anything goes wrong, Scully fake a heart attack.
Scully: What are you thinking? Classic angina or something sexier like myocardial-infarction?
Jake: Just drop down onto the ground and wiggle.

Jake: All right, anyone else have questions? Hitchcock, Scully, you've been weirdly silent.
Scully: We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.

Hitchcock: Holt's the big fish we've been waiting for. We have an exciting investment opportunity to pitch him.
Jake: What?
Scully: It's an off-shore casino that's currently sunk off the coast of Delaware.

Scully: Hey, Boyle. I smell burning. Is Hitchcock roasting corn on the radiator again?
Charles: No. What you smell is the burning wreckage of my relationship with Holt.
Scully: So there's no corn on the cob?

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Jake: We're doing fine here.
Scully: Not Hitchcock. He got trapped out on the balcony. I don't like him alone out there, not with his history. I mean, what if he gets up on a ledge?
Jake: What, you think he's gonna jump?
Scully: No, he's just always falling off things. He's got a worm living in his ear that affects his balance.

Scully: Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

Scully: I accidentally smiled at you last week and you shined a laser pointer in to my eye and screamed "Perv!"

Rosa: Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, Scully?
Scully: I thought they'd make good confetti.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

Charles: Since when are you two in to being such good detectives?
Scully: Since it came to secret bathrooms.

Scully: I met my wife at an orgy. Well, she was leaving an orgy, and we bumped into each other on the street. Real meet cute.

Scully: I found my gun. It was in my holster. My holster's on my butt.

Scully: Hi guys. There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is my salt water taffy place was closed.
Captain Holt: And the good news?
Scully: Whitman's alibi checked out. Security footage from Torque shows he was there.
Jake: That's not good news. That's bad news.
Scully: Right, that is bad news. It's on me. Sorry.