Sergeant Jeffords: That's funny... same thing happened to Alex Nelson at Little Mister Michigan. What? Tiny Terry did what he had to do.

Amy: Oh, crap, there's Austin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, damn, he is a "hud."

Scully: Sure, I'll watch Mac. Don't worry, I've padded all the sharp edges in here.
Jake: Wow. You already baby-proofed it?
Scully: Ah, it's my nap room. You can take a nap anywhere in here. Every surface is like a bed.
Both: Huh.
Jake: Works for us.

Sergeant Jeffords: Anyway, uh, here's who you're up against.
Amy: Alan Peters. Dud. Mike Lynch. Dud. Tad Green. Dud! [gasps] Austin Grant.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who's Austin Grant? Not a dud?
Amy: Oh, he's a dud, but he's a hot dud. He's a "hud." He gets everything handed to him because he looks so good in a uniform. Ugh, and he's pitching predictive algorithmic policing. That's just high-tech racial profiling.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, look, if this guy is style over substance, we just need to give you some style. Check this out. [video plays] Tiny Terry won the Little Mister Michigan pageant.
Amy: You just happen to have a video of yourself as a seven-year-old on your phone?
Sergeant Jeffords: Big Terry's proud of Tiny Terry. Look, the point is, I can help you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, guess what.
Captain Holt: Lieutenant, I thought you went home.
Sergeant Jeffords: I did, but some uniforms heard that I called out sick, and they assumed I was joining the Blue Flu. They invited me to a meeting tomorrow to talk strategy.
Captain Holt: You could go record them admitting that they don't actually have mono. That is, if you're up to it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hell, yeah. Terry's gonna tough it out. Terry's also gonna drink some raspberry leaf tea that Sharon uses to help her with menstrual cramps.

Amy: Prong two update... I brought in our night-shift detectives to handle the dispatch calls and respond to major crimes...
Sergeant Jeffords: [stomach gurgling] Sorry. That's Terry's tummy. I'm feeling a little nauseous. Must've been something I had for breakfast.
Captain Holt: Well, do you have to go home, or can you tough it out?
Sergeant Jeffords: So, if Terry goes home, he's not tough?
Amy: Here we go.
Captain Holt: Lieutenant, we don't have the time today to make this about some larger insecurity you have regarding your toughness.
Sergeant Jeffords: First of all, I'm not insecure about my toughness. Secondly, being sick has nothing to do with being tough. Thirdly, if I wasn't tough, would I be daring Amy to punch me in the stomach?
Amy: Wha...
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, Amy! Give me your best shot!
Amy: Fine. Just so that we can move on. [punches Terry's stomach]
Sergeant Jeffords: [grunts] [stomach gurgling] See? I'm fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go for a walk in the fresh air with my best friend, the trash can. I'll be back 'cause I'm tough!

Jake: How's it going, sir? You look chipper.
Captain Holt: Yes, well, I called Kevin and told him I still have feelings for him, and he said he felt the same. So we begin couples counseling next week.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's great, sir. I'm so glad. Looks like Captain Holt caught a fatty trout in his gill net.
Jake: You watched Alone?
Sergeant Jeffords: Every single episode. Terry has not slept!

Jake: My point is, Kevin knew it wasn't a corn crake, but he went to it anyway.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because he was going to you, not the bird! He still loves you! Our plan worked!
Jake: Our plan?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah! Terry is off the hedge and on the ledge!
Captain Holt: Well, that means a lot, coming from you Jeffords, given how much you hate ledges.
Jake: People don't know about Terry hating ledges! This is new!

Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry that took me so long. I cramped up halfway and then crawled for a little while. Maybe I should think about slimming down.
Jake: No, it's actually good you didn't make it back.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, thank you for saying that. Look, I can't change my body, it defines me.

Kevin: I have an EpiPen back at the house. Would you call someone to have them bring it?
Sergeant Jeffords: There's no reception. I'll just run back. I haven't done cardio in 20 years. How hard can it be? [runs] It's immediately awful!

Jake: Hey, were you followed?
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope. I promise, they have no idea I'm working with you.
[flashback:]
Charles: Terry, have you seen Jake?
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan. He's so stupid. You know, the only reason Holt and I haven't fired him is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.
[present:]
Jake: Seems a little excessive.
Sergeant Jeffords: I told you. I don't wanna be tied to this plan. Look, I'm out on a ledge for you, and Terry hates ledges.
Jake: Wait, so you love hedges but hate ledges? You're just making this up as you go.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I'm not. Name one time you've ever seen me happy out on a ledge.
Jake: I can't think of an example on the spot...
Sergeant Jeffords: Because Terry hates ledges.

Jake: Guys, come on, I've got a great plan here. No one wants in?
Sergeant Jeffords: Absolutely not!
[later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Tell me the plan. I want in.
Jake: What? You do?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. Terry loves love.
Jake: Then why didn't you back me up in there?
Sergeant Jeffords: Because Terry also loves hedging.
Jake: Terry loves hedging? That's new.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, it's classic Terry. Look, I always play both sides till the last possible minute, everyone knows that.
Jake: That's not fair. Everyone's so hard on me. I want a public show of support for my plan.
Sergeant Jeffords: Can't do it. Look, I don't know what's so tough for you to understand here. I love the scheme, I wanna be a part of it, but I think it's gonna fail, and I don't want people to think I was a part of it.
Jake: Fine, I'll take what I can get.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes!

Amy: Look, Holt just needs us to be there for him. Help him take his mind off of Kevin.
Sergeant Jeffords: He's always inviting us to his lake house to go bird watching, but we never do it because it's, you know, birdwatching. We could finally go.
Amy: He would love that.
Jake: Wow, stabbed in the back by my own mom.
Amy: What?
Jake: Wife! I said wife! Why do you keep not hearing me? Whatever! Let's just do Terry's plan.

Sergeant Jeffords: I went to my barbershop to get a quick cleanup, and Boyle was there.
Charles: Yeah, got a low-drop fade with a crisp lining. I'm all about supporting Black businesses.
Sergeant Jeffords: Right.
Charles: Oh, are you upset about something, Lieutenant?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just that the barbershop is my therapy.
Charles: Mm.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's where I go to clear my mind. And that's hard to do with you there.
Charles: Mm.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop mm-ing me!
Charles: It's my listening noise.
Sergeant Jeffords: Listening doesn't require noise!

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, he's your captain. You act like it's some romantic relationship.
Amy: You know what, Terry? You're right. It is like a romantic relationship.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what you got from what I said?
Amy: Do you still have that relationship book from when you and Sharon were having issues?
Sergeant Jeffords: That book was about sex. And it's actually Scully's. But I bet Scully also ordered some relationship books when Scully got himself that sex book for Scully.
Amy: Just own the sex book thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want my help or not?
Amy: Fine. Can you please get Scully's relationship book that is obviously not yours?
Sergeant Jeffords: Weird that you're asking me to do it, but okay. I'll see what I can do.