Rosa: Hey, you should run. Going to meetings, writing stuff down. You love that nerd stuff.
Amy: Writing stuff down is nerdy? What do you do?
Rosa: I just forget stuff like a cool person.

Jake: All right, I'm gonna win this case and then we can put my horrible sexual experience behind us forever.
Charles: I don't know Jake. I'm afraid I'm gonna think about it every time I look at your crotch.
Jake: Then stop looking at my crotch!

Sophia: Well, I didn't wanna intimidate you.
Jake: Intimidate? Wow. Okay, well, not to burst your bubble, but I'm only intimidated by professions that have a moral compass, like police officer.
Sophia: So you're intimidated by your own job?
Jake: Oh, look at me. I'm a lawyer. I'm so good at word-using-itude.

Jake: It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

Jake: Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. All right, let's do this. Who's got theories?
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, alarm didn't go off.
Jake: All three alarms? All with battery back-up? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Sergeant Jeffords: Have you ever thought about going with your non-work interests? On my first date with my wife, all we did was talk about our mutual love of Meat Loaf. The singer, not the food.
Jake: Oh, so the weirder of the two choices.

Sergeant Jeffords: You want me to flex and make all the buttons pop off of my shirt?
Jake: Yes! You can do that?
Sergeant Jeffords: The challenge is keeping the buttons on.

Jake: But in all seriousness, your honor, I do think she should recuse herself from the trial.
Sophia: Why? You think I might tell everybody in the courtroom that you like to be the little spoon?
Jake: Everyone likes to be the little spoon. It makes you feel safe!

Amy: Look, I love campaigning and making signs. Lord knows I have enough poster board at home.

Jake: I found our Meat Loaf. Wings.
Sergeant Jeffords: The band or the show?
Jake: The food!

Rosa: I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

Jake: Full disclosure, your honor. Last night, Ms. Perez and I got inebriated and we had colitis.
Judge: Colitis?
Sophia: Coitus.
Jake: Yeah, that.

Jake: All right, fine. I get what you're saying. Your wife's awesome and I should do everything in my power to be with her physically.

Captain Holt: It's 9:00 A.M. Why is no one working?
Jake: Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.
Captain Holt: I'd like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.

Captain Holt: Now you've done it. You've made me turn my chair. I will not get involved, and I will not have this office transformed into a house of snipes and jabs. Dismissed.

Gina: Attention, skeezy nobodies! Tina Knowles, Beyonce's mom-ager, has contacted me and wants to audition me tonight. I've transcended you now.

Charles: Ooh! She was taken in her sleep!
Jake: That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

Charles: I want that room, Gina. You can't push me around. We're not Poke Pals any more.
Gina: Eww!

Amy: But I want to be captain one day, and union reps are always fighting with the brass.
It's career suicide, right, sir?
Captain Holt: Stop trying to get me involved, Santiago.
Amy: No! I'm already fighting with the brass.

Gina: You defiled the most sacred and most high miss Tina Knowles! How dare you, Charles.

Jake: Not to over state it, but I'm definitely gonna die alone, and work is all I have.

Charles: The luxury sex romp we had planned this weekend. The hotel says the "bubbles and bathrobes" package is non-refundable.
Gina: See, that's why I didn't want to pre-pay, Charles.
Charles: Yeah, but that's why we got such a good deal. One hour of free Wi-Fi!

Gina: Mmm, maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

Sophia: Oh, a cop's attempt to be clever. It's like watching a horse try to eat with a fork.

Sophia: What, you think John Adams was just some idiot?
Jake: No, I think John Adams was a mini-series I didn't watch because it looked like a book.

Charles: Oh, she's so pretty. She looks like the woman on an olive oil bottle.