Captain Holt: Coat, coat, jacket, coat. Is this a police precinct or a Turkish bazaar?

Gina: Jake, why don't you just do the right thing and jump out a window? Captain Holt will never fire me if he knows I'm mourning the death of a close friend.

Captain Holt: Squad, since Peralta's briefing was cut short, you can all use this time to clean up your desks. Look at this place. Half-eaten food, crumpled tissues, pictures of your families.
Sergeant Jeffords: What's wrong with pictures?
Captain Holt: If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.

Sergeant Jeffords: The Captain's at a new level of anger, constant smiling.
Amy: It's horrible.
Rosa: All smiling is horrible. This is worse.

Captain Holt: Bad mood? I'm sorry, have I not being bursting into song enough for you lately? Would you like me to click my heels together or skip like a school child?
Jake: Yes, to all of that.

Jake: All right, fine. But I'm calling in my chit.
Gina: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Jake: No, ch-it.

Captain Holt: Attention, squad. Quick announcement. Overtime is reinstated, and you are each allowed two personal photographs, two trinkets and three assorted knick-knacks. You know what, just follow Sergeant Jefford's lead. He always knows how to keep this place running smoothly.

Captain Holt: You were right all along. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at myself, and I took it out on the squad. Peralta you're a genius.
Jake: Oh my God, you said it.
Captain Holt: I heard you practising in the men's room.
Jake: Yeah, that makes more sense.

Captain Holt: You wanna know why I was so angry all week? When those men came at me, I acted like I was a twenty-year-old. I took a stupid risk and I got myself stabbed. I was in pain and frustrated about lying to the man I love.
Jake: Kevin
Captain Holt: Yes, obviously Kevin.
Jake: Obviously.

Jake: Wait, so you heroically fought off three guys and that put you in a bad mood? If I did that, I would literally write a song about myself. It would be like "Jake the hero. Abs of steel. She-la-la-la."

Jake: Damn it, it's morphing into British.
Gina: Do your catchphrase.
Jake: Peralta, that's enough.

Jake: Remember when I got you this job. You said "OMG, Jake. I owe you one."
Gina: I said OMG? That was before other people started saying it. I was an originator.

Gina: We're here so I can activate the Holy Network of Administrative Assistants, acronym HNAA. We high-level assistants keep track of what's going on with all the bosses. Jealous, Amy?

Jake: It's perfect. Thanks for inviting us in.
Kevin: I invited Gina in. You were with her.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm just holding a road flare, stepping on some oatmeal, just doing me.

Captain Holt: I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.
Kevin: I'm sorry. You were stabbed?
Captain Holt: Lightly stabbed. I didn't want to frighten you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle, you got your bank robber?
Charles: Went home last night, no overtime, just me and some brie, and I cracked it.

Kevin: Hmm, yes. I dread those enunciated denunciations.

Kevin: And Peralta, I hope this will do. It's a can of Orange Soda from when some other children visited.

Kevin: Well, I remember that morning. He left the house at seven and was in a great mood. In fact, he was still chuckling about the previous night's Charlie Rose.

Rosa: You beat him in a dance-off?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I destroyed him.

Charles: Yeah, I might buy my shoes at a kids store and yeah, I might be scared of geese, but I am a damn good cop and I will not be made a fool of. So I am gonna go into that room and I'm gonna get that lousy, old geezer to admit on camera that he robbed those banks.

Charles: He's messing with me because I'm not intimidating like Terry or dignified like Jake. Or model-handsome like Jake. Or funny like Jake.

Captain Holt: What is wrong with our Internet? I like to back up my data every fifteen minutes and it's taking seventeen minutes per backup. I'm in a data backup deficit.

Captain Holt: Peralta, I'm not going to discuss my home life with you. We're not friends. We're not family. You're not my husband.
Jake: That's hurtful. I thought we had a special bond. I was your secret santa last year.
Captain Holt: And I already thanked you for the "Who Farted?" baseball cap.
Jake: But you never wear it.

Rosa: Dude, just admit you ruined everything and turned our lives into a living hell. No biggie.

Charles: I thought he was faking it. I wanted to splash the lies out of him.

Kevin: Gina, I know you like champagne with a drop of pomegranate juice.
Gina: I like to say it's nature's classiest alcohol mixed with its nastiest fruit.

Amy: Yeah, I'd tap that. Network. I'd tap that network. That's a thing people say.

Amy: You sure you have the right guy? Wasn't the robber strong and fast?
Rosa: And able to eat solid foods.
Charles: Nobody saw him eat!

Captain Holt: All right, detective, what's this all about? You have seventy seconds.
Jake: Why seventy?
Captain Holt: Do you really want to waste your time while I explain my algorithm?

Jake: So, Holt won't tell me if someone happened at home because I'm not his husband. But you know who is his husband?
Gina: His husband?
Jake: His husband. I was just a little slow.

Jake: Remember last Wednesday when I came in here with a bottle of sparkling cider?
Captain Holt: Setting off my sprinklers. Drenching my office. Destroying a paper crane folded for me by Kevin.

Jake: No, look, I was the first one in on Wednesday.
Gina: This story is already full of holes.

Amy: Oh my God, he is so old.
Charles: He's not that old. His nurse isn't even full time.
Amy: He couldn't pull off a bank job. He couldn't pull off the cap on his medicine.