Jake: All right, I'm searching it.
Doug Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Peralta, what you doing, putting your fingers in my fancy feast?
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: How am I supposed to escape using a lobster?
Jake: Squeeze the lemon in my eyes, so I can't see, stab me in the jugular with a claw, and then shove the tail down my throat, so I can't scream for help. I gotta keep my eye on you, Judy. You're a slippery guy.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Give me some details.
Doug Judy: Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s. He texted me last week. Needs some cars to deliver his product. I said no because drugs are stupid. Except for weed and sex pills. A man has needs. [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. I can't think of your last name, baby.
Captain Holt: Enough crooning!

Jake: I've already got my cover story worked out. My name is Dante Thunderstone. I stole my first car at the tender age of nine.
Doug Judy: You had to fend for yourself since your mother was struck by lightning.
Jake: While she was pregnant with me. She passed. I lived. Some say that makes Zeus my dad. Oh! Mythic.

Amy: I'm making a scrapbook of his professional highlights. Newspaper clippings, police reports, pictures. It's got every moment of his career, "From Ray to Z".
Sergeant Jeffords: This is a very bad idea. Amy: I know, I'm not happy with the title either, but my backup was "keep holting on," but that just makes him sound like he's sick.