Captain Julie Kim: I'm not firing you. I'm impressed by your talent and record, and it just so happens have a friend in the FBI who is looking for an NYPD liaison officer. So what do you say?
[cut to:]
Amy: So what did you say?
Jake: I told her I'd rather stick my entire head inside a giraffe's long blonde butt than accept a job offer from her.
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm.
Sergeant Jeffords: You said that?
Jake: In my head. In my mouth I said I would think about it and get back to her. She'll get the message when I dillydally.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I say we use those meetings to figure out why she's really here. She may seem perfect, but I guarantee there's a "but." And I'm gonna find that "but" and drill down on it.
Charles: Come on, man. You have to know how that sounds.
Jake: Shut up, cool Charles. I hate this new dynamic.

Jake: Okay, look, Captain Kim lied to us. There's something in this house that proves she's conspiring with Madeline Wuntch, and we're gonna find it.
Amy: I am not letting you snoop around in her stuff and ruin this party.
Jake: Oh, okay. Well, good luck trying to stop us.
Amy: Oh, Jake. You don't know who you're dealing with, do you? I was a student chaperone at every dance from middle school on. I've stopped more horny teenagers from making out to Savage Garden than you can count.
Jake: Cool story, but we're not horny teens. We're horny adults. And tonight we're going all the way. Come on, Holt, let's shake this narc.
Amy: That's right, I am a NARC, a Nationally Accredited and Registered Chaperone.

Jake: NYPD, freeze! Taking down the bad guys without breaking up our convo. That how we do it in the Nine-Nine.
Amy: You're going the wrong direction.
Jake: Damn it. All these hallways look the same. That was such a cool walk-off.