Jake: We can't help you out until we know that you actually have the samples. We need proof of life.
Eleanor: I'd be happy to dump one of the containers out of the window.
Charles: No, no, no, don't do that, please! Don't dumb my sperm on us!
Jake: (To a passerby) Hello, ma'am. Top of the morning to you.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Dancing over. Situation defused.
Jake: No!

Jake: Are you guys wearing one scarf?
Genevieve: Yep, Charles forgot his this morning. It's actually quite romantic. I think he did it on purpose.
Charles: Uh, let's just say, I definitely did it on purpose. Now, twirl me, darling!

Jake: Oh, I should've known.
You're a hugger, not a shaker.
Charles: It was the most painful thing I've ever done, and I've taken three of my grandparents off life support.
Jake: How are you always in charge of that?