Quotes from ‘Hostage Situation’

Hostage Situation

Hostage Situation
Season 3, Episode 11 - Aired January 5, 2016

When Charles and Genevieve decide to take a step forward as a couple, his ex-wife, Eleanor, takes control of something very valuable to Charles. Meanwhile, Captain Holt and Rosa call on Gina's help to get a suspect talking, and Terry is painfully rewarded for doing a favor for Amy, who needs a recommendation later.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What is happening?
Captain Holt: I'm defusing the situation.
Jake: Whoa dancing captain. Must capture image of a lifetime! Oh, why is my phone always dead? I paid $13 for it!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Dancing over. Situation defused.
Jake: No!

Quote from Charles

Charles: Thankfully, my ex-wife, Eleanor, made me get a vasectomy a year before that. As a precaution, I froze some sperm a lot of sperm. Guy going in after me was like, "Whoa, nice!"
Jake: Wow, he sounds like a gross dude.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Here's the deal, Steven. We already got you on shoplifting. Now let's talk about the 200 cloned credit cards in your bag.
Steven: I'm not saying anything.
Captain Holt: Look, punk, there are two ways we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Rosa: Tell him what the hard way is, boss.
Captain Holt: Well, first, Steven, we're gonna fill out form 38E-J1, stating noncompliance.
We send it to the DA, but do they process it right away? No, because they're overwhelmed because Debra's on maternity leave. So your court date won't be set for six or eight weeks, and even then, you're gonna have to block off the whole day, because they don't give you a specific time. No, no, it's a window.
Rosa: Sir, can I talk to you for a second? I thought we were gonna to try to scare him.
Captain Holt: There's nothing scarier than the realities of the municipal court system. Now, come on; Let's get back in there and tell him about how bad the website is.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Don't worry, Jakey. I got it.
Jake: Okay.
Charles: Oh! Oh, my hands are covered in butter from making butter.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Peralta, are you eating an italian sub for breakfast?
Jake: I am, but Amy said I should eat more veggies so I got extra pepperoncinis.
Charles: Smart.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Are you guys wearing one scarf?
Genevieve: Yep, Charles forgot his this morning. It's actually quite romantic. I think he did it on purpose.
Charles: Uh, let's just say, I definitely did it on purpose. Now, twirl me, darling!

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, you guys are adorable.
Charles: (To Genevieve) Tell me everything the doctor says about your uterine climate.
Jake: Oh, and also that.

Quote from Charles

Jake: But wait, Charles, I thought you were sterile. I distinctly remember you using the phrase-
Charles: Shooting dust.
Jake: Yes, thank you for not making me say it.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Yeah, it's true I lost the ability to procreate after the accident.
Jake: Yeah, I still don't know why you dove in crotch first.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hey, so do you think maybe you're rushing into the whole baby thing? I mean, you guys have only been dating three months.
Charles: She's the one, Jake. I'm done with that playboy lifestyle out till 11:00, drunk on sangria.
I don't want that anymore. I just want to be a papa.
Jake: Okay, yeah, so, hey, this is awesome. You're gonna have a baby.
Charles: I know! And you're gonna be its best friend.
Jake: Ah, well, based on the age diff, maybe more of a fun uncle/mentor.
Charles: Baby's best friend.
Jake: All right, so nonnegotiable.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Do you sell purple pants? All right, well, good day, then.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: It's not the turnout I was hoping for. Maybe I should've offered free strudel; Then at least Scully would've come.
Scully: There's free strudel?
Sergeant Jeffords: Where the hell did you come from?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: My nose! My nose! You broke my nose!
Amy: Oh, there's so much blood! I'm so sorry!
Sergeant Jeffords: Get me a towel!
Amy: Okay, all right.
Scully: And that's what you get for lying about free strudel. Karma's a bitch.
Sergeant Jeffords: Get out of here, Scully!

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles, Charles! Your ex-wife is here.
Charles: Eleanor? The destroyer of worlds?

Quote from Charles

Charles: Why?
Jake: Maybe it's nothing bad. Maybe some of your mail got sent to her house.
Charles: Oh, God, I hope not. If that happened, she would be livid.
Jake: Oh, well, just don't assume the worst. That's all I'm saying.
Charles: Then why did you bring up the mail thing?

Quote from Charles

Eleanor: Hello, Chunk. Heard you want your sperm. You gonna have to go through me.
Jake: Oh, no, this is way worse than the mail thing.
Eleanor: What mail thing?
Charles: Nothing. There's no mail thing. There's no mail thing.

Quote from Charles

Lawyer: I can't believe you signed this contract. The sperm is her legal possession. It also says that, she and I quote "Owns your dignity." You initialed right next to that.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Oh, no, Jake, this is a total disaster! I'll never be happy in my life. Why are you smiling?
Jake: Because this is exactly what we've trained for. It's a hostage situation, and we're gonna bring your boys home.

Quote from Charles

Jake: All right, Charles, I know that you're freaking out and you think you're never gonna be a father, but don't worry; There's no way I'm gonna let Eleanor do anything to your precious-
Charles: Boyle oil?
Jake: Ugh, all right, I'm out. She can do what she wants.
Charles: No, no, no, no, no. We'll just call them hostages.

Quote from Charles

Jake: All right, fine, let's get to work. Here's what we know about Eleanor.
Charles: Oh, my wedding day. I should've known it was a mistake when she said, "I suppose," instead of, "I do." Yowch, all right.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hostage taker: Eleanor Horstweil. 42. Bank manager. No priors. Clean bill of health.
Current husband: Hercules Thikalonos.
Charles: Don't bring him into it.
We're actually quite close.
Jake: Noted. You divorced in 2010. She got the house, both cars, and 85% of your salary going forward. That's a typo, right?
Charles: It is not.
Jake: How did she get so much?
Charles: My lawyer was Hercules. That's how they met.
Jake: That seems real unethical.
Charles: Again, lay off Hercules.
He's quite a decent man.

Quote from Charles

Jake: All right, look, we need some sort of bargaining chip.
Is there anything you got in the divorce that she wanted?
Charles: Yes, Abigail.
Jake: I'm gonna just assume Abigail's something super weird.
Charles: Nope. She was our hairdresser.
Jake: Ah.
Charles: It was awkward for her to see both of us, so she made us choose. I mean, I couldn't get rid of her. She's the only stylist in New York that can do this.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Right, and do you think Eleanor still wants Abigail?
Charles: (laughing) I mean, you saw her hair today. It's all volume, no sheen.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Hey, Sergeant. How are you? Sergeant Jeffords: Well, my baby cries at the sight of my face now, so that's great.
Amy: I mean, she's a baby; She could be crying at anything.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope, she pointed right at my nose and then threw up.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: What do you want, Santiago?
Amy: I was just wondering if you finished writing that recommendation letter. It's due pretty soon.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm working on it. It's taking a little while because it's hard to concentrate, what with all the agony.
Amy: Okay, well, thank you for still doing it. If it helps, I brought you some soothing ginger tea.
Sergeant Jeffords: Will it repair the place where my nose came off my skull?
Amy: I don't know, but it's supposed to have healing vapors.
So try inhaling it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, thank you.
Ow! It burns! - Oh! - The vapors burn!
Amy: I'm sorry! I'll take it back! (knocks the drink over into Sergeant Jefford's lap)
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, God.
Amy: I'm sorry! I'll get some cold water!
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, don't.
I am petrified of you!

Quote from Jake

Jake: We can't help you out until we know that you actually have the samples. We need proof of life.
Eleanor: I'd be happy to dump one of the containers out of the window.
Charles: No, no, no, don't do that, please! Don't dumb my sperm on us!
Jake: (To a passerby) Hello, ma'am. Top of the morning to you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, look, if you let us upstairs we'll give you Abigail.
Eleanor: I'll buzz you in.
Jake: And that is how it's done. Like taking candy from a baby.
Charles: Why would you bring up babies right now?
Jake: It's a saying.
Charles: Who would do that?

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: The question is, why would someone want to talk to Gina?
Gina: That's very rude.
Rosa: It's obvious why the guy wants to talk to a civilian like her; he's stalling.
Gina: That's also rude. Maybe he wants to talk to a normal person instead of two rude cops.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Well, whatever his reason, we have no other choice.
Gina take his statement.
Gina: Yes, thank you! I'm gonna get this guy to admit to crimes he hasn't even committed.
Captain Holt: No, that would be a huge problem.
Gina: Copy that.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: We'll get you a file on him so you can study up.
Gina: That won't be necessary. I'm gonna go with my gut. He asked for Gina. Let's give the people what they want.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Oh, boy. Look, I'm not a cop. I don't really like cops. Honestly, I think crime's kind of cool.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Uh, Eleanor.
Eleanor: Jake.
Charles: Charles.
Jake: Okay, you just said your own name, bud.
Charles: It was the only one left.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Are you sure you know what you're doing? Abigail was our only bargaining chip.
Jake: Don't worry. I have a plan. As soon as she comes back in here, I'm gonna grab that cup right out of her hands and run like hell.
Charles: You think that'll work?
Jake: I don't just think it will.
I know it might.

Eleanor: Here it is cold and sad.
Just like you.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles, what are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry, but I don't have a choice, Jake. I'm gonna go bully an old priest so I can get my sperms back.
Jake: He's a priest?
Charles: Yeah, I looked him up.
He's a priest, a 90-year-old priest.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Listen, you can't do this, Charles; It's illegal.
Charles: I have to. You saw what Eleanor did to millions of my babies. I heard them scream!
Jake: That was you.
Charles: I am them, and they are me.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Oh, I should've known.
You're a hugger, not a shaker.
Charles: It was the most painful thing I've ever done, and I've taken three of my grandparents off life support.
Jake: How are you always in charge of that?

Quote from Scully

Amy: Rejected? I've never been rejected from anything.
Scully: Me neither. Oops, did you say rejected or ejected? I've been rejected a lot.
Amy: I don't understand. My application was so good.
Scully: You know what? I've also been ejected. Flume ride, Topeka, Kansas.
Amy: How did this happen?
Scully: Just forgot to put on the belt.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: You wrote me a bad recommendation. How could you?
Sergeant Jeffords: Excuse me?
Amy: It's the only explanation! You're mad that I broke your face and I burned your whole body. Well, grow up!
Sergeant Jeffords: Grow up? I have a Roth IRA! I eat wheat toast! You grow up!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: You know what? Here's the letter that I sent.
Amy: "Amy Santiago is one of the finest detectives in my precinct nay, the entire NYPD.
"
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I even used the word "nay." The idea that you would question my integrity is so - Uh-oh, I got to sneeze. This is gonna hurt!

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Oh, Hitchcock, thank God!
Hitchcock: Handcuffed yourself to a car? Been there.

Quote from Gina

Gina: I know it seems like I blew it, but you got to give me another crack at him.
Now that I'm aware of our fascinating past, I have all the ammo that I need.
Captain Holt: Perhaps you would've had that ammo if you had read the file Diaz offered you.
Gina: No doubt. No doubt. Gina culpa.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Steven, Steven, Steven, I have one question. Who on the basketball team was into me? I want names.
Steven: What?
Gina: We don't have time to play games, Steven.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hi there. I'm Jake. This is my best friend, Charles. He's trying to have a baby. You get it.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles, I know you're mad, but you have to talk to me.
Charles: It's funny how getting tased in the back can break your heart and also really hurt your back.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And by the way, DNA is not the only thing that makes somebody into a father. I mean, not that it's any of my business, but I have biological father, and he's a nightmare. He never played catch with me. He never taught me how to ride a bike. I had to learn how to shave from watching "Home Alone".
Charles: Makes sense. It's like "Die Hard" for kids.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Plus, is this how you really want it to go? Eleanor controlling your life, ruining your career?
Charles: So what do I do?
Jake: Honestly, I don't know. But I do know that you're gonna be a great dad with or without your-
Charles: Boyle oil.
Jake: Nope, not gonna say it.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Santiago, you know why you didn't get into SAM-SAM?
Amy: Probably because I used a modern format on my cover letter that put my email above my home address. Why take such a risk?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: No, I sent the recommendation letter to the wrong place. I thought you were applying to be a mentor, not a mentee.
Amy: You thought I wanted to be a SAM, not a SAM? Are you insane?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you should be a SAM.
Amy: No, I should be a SAM.
Sergeant Jeffords: We got to start saying something other than SAM because we are barreling toward a misunderstanding.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, you are ready to be teaching others.
I made a call. You're going to be a mentor.
Amy: Oh my God. Sergeant, I'm so sorry for ever questioning your integrity. Thank you so much-
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, no, stand back. Look, I'm still very scared of you.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Good news. I got Steven to talk.
Captain Holt: Diaz, fantastic. How did you do it? Did you finally show him the municipal court website and the pulldown menus you can't click on?

Quote from Rosa

Steven: She didn't even know who I was. And we were good friends.
Rosa: On more than one occasion, she's called me Gina. That's her own name.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: We complained about Gina for an hour, and then he opened up gave me the name of the guy he works for.
Gina: I have never been so insulted in my entire life. I'm not gonna work cases for you guys anymore.
Captain Holt: We were never going to ask you to.
Gina: You just lost your best detective.

Quote from Charles

Eleanor: What do you want, Chunk?
Charles: To let you know you can keep my sperm. I don't need it. I'm in love and I'm going to be a dad, and there's nothing you could do to stop me. So good-bye forever. Oh, and one more thing tell Hercules I'll see him at spin class on Sunday. Now good-bye!

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