Jake: There's only one way I'm gonna get my dad alone. You have to tell my mom that you need to - speak with her in private.
Amy: About what? I barely know her.
Jake: Tell her you're plugged up and you need a laxative.
Amy: What? No! What? I'm not gonna say that.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Attorney: How do we know those were drugs? Please back that tape up.
Charles: No! Objection!
Judge: On what grounds?
Charles: That's my penis?
Judge: Overruled.

Captain Holt: This just might work out after all.
Gina: You're damn right it will, 'cause we're a ragtag, scrappity, fart-dumb, moron parade, smart-ass team!

Amy: Jake, Karen is a grown woman with a pretty respectable credit score. I'm sure she knows what she's doing.
Jake: Amy, I know that you have a binder, but you don't know her like I do. She's too trusting for her own good. She's fallen for more Nigerian scams than Scully.
Amy: She's fallen for 20 Nigerian scams?
Jake: 20? That's insane. No, she's fallen for 2. Scully's fallen for 20?
Amy: Yeah.