Captain Holt: So Detective Pimento didn't show up for work today. Any idea why?
Jake: Oh, yeah, I straight up drove him off. Big screw-up on my part. I'm trying this new thing where I just own my mistakes. I like it. Do you?
Captain Holt: I did. Until you bragged about it.
Jake: Yeah.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Now, this just needs to cook for another 11 hours, 32 minutes, and 6 [boom]
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell, Boyle! You almost killed me! I'm not going out in a stew-making accident! Terry's gonna die saving the President, or Terry's never gonna die!

Marge: And you, Santiago, maybe the world would like to see that draft of a memo you wrote where you used T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?
Amy: Oh, you sick son of a bitch.

Captain Holt: So I just received word from our friend at the Guffin Foundation. Apparently they loved our video submission. What did you send them?
Gina: A cinematic masterpiece is what I sent them.
Captain Holt: Did it feature pizzazz?
Gina: No, none at all, sir. First, I couldn't wrap my head around that concept, but then I realized: do you know which dogs get the most likes on the internet?
Captain Holt: Anatolian Shepherds.
Gina: No, ugly little runts with wonky eyes and tongues that won't stay in their mouths.
Captain Holt: But the Anatolian Shepherd is unrivaled for protecting livestock.