Captain Holt: I didn't cancel my trip because I was worried you would burn my house down. Kevin and I are having a hard time right now. Whenever we talk, we fight. And I'm just afraid and just just afraid that if I go to Paris and we fight, then-
Jake: Sir, with all due respect, that's crazy. I mean, you and Kevin are the best couple I know. And I'm sure whatever this is, you can get through it, because you are the strongest person I know. Wow, that was weird; I said, like, multiple real things consecutively, yeah. Felt weird but good. Are you proud of me?
Amy: You're ruining it.
Jake: Yup. I'm just gonna stop talking now.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Jake: All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.
Amy: Oh, cool. I want a fast sports car.
Jake: Come on. You can be honest.
Amy: I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.
Jake: There you go.

Jake: Bonjour, Captain. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Captain Holt: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Jake: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Adrian Pimento: After what I've seen, after what I've done, I don't know that I deserve to be happy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course you do.
Adrian Pimento: Huh. I never looked at it that way. Wow. That changes everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: I never even finished my point.
Adrian Pimento: No, Sarge, you said it all. You just changed my life.