Captain Holt: All right, go make contact with Diane Keaton's brother-in-law.
Jake: Fredo. It's Fredo. It's one of the most popular movies of all time. Won best picture, so.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: I wish he would turn the radio down.
Jake: You think that's the radio? That sounds like professional music to you?
Captain Holt: All music after Mahler sounds exactly like that.

Seamus Murphy: You ever want to do business again, my door is always open.
Captain Holt: Well, you should close it, lest you get moths. Good day.

Captain Holt: He only wants to use the block party as a cover for something criminal: a robbery, a murder, or something worse.
Jake: You don't know that for sure, and that's your loophole.
Captain Holt: I don't believe in loopholes.
Jake: What? Loopholes are the best. Remember that time when Pancake Palace had that all-you-can-eat deal, but they didn't set a time limit? I ate pancakes for a week for $3.99. All I had to do was sleep there and never shower.
Scully: What? Thanks for the invite, friend.