Charles: Look, we have reason to believe David Stovelman murdered his wife, Debbie.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah, duh!
Jake: All right, Jay. Try to remain calm, here.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Sorry. I'm just so scarred.
Jake: Right, from the nard torture.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Jake: Pigeon's still here?
Scully: Yeah. No matter what we do, he just won't leave.
Jake: The problem is you're thinking like detectives.
Scully: No, I'm definitely not.

Charles: Anyway, meet the new recruit I signed up.
Peter: New NutriCruit? Boom, boom!
Jake: Boom, boom. My name is Barry St. Barry. And I can't wait to get inside and unlock my NutriFuture.

Captain Holt: Are you ready for your first briefing?
Amy: Yes, I am fully prepared. I just wanna establish myself as a leader right away.
Sergeant Jeffords: Just be confident, deliberate and firm. You'll know you have their respect when you can take a moment [pours a cup of coffee] and still keep their attention.
Amy: Amazing.
Rosa: That was captivating as hell.