Captain Holt: Peralta, you can present the first argument from your, uh [scoffs] scribbled list of feelings.
Jake: I'll have you know that I have some data-driven arguments as well. According to a study I read, people with kids were less likely to report that they were happy in their lives than people without kids. Now, call me crazy, but being happy tends to make me feel, uh, pretty happy.
Amy: Where did you read this study?
Jake: Well, it wasn't something I read so much as told about.
Amy: And who told you about it?
Jake: Hitchcock.
Amy: Hitchcock?
Jake: Yeah.
Amy: That seems like a pretty intellectual thing for him to mention. What was the context?
Jake: He had invested in a NuvaRing competitor called Vag-a-Plug and was practicing his sales pitch on me.
Amy: This is your first argument? Your opening statement?
[bell dings]
Captain Holt: Point to Amy.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away