Rosa: Anyway, do you want me to talk to Jake? I'm a pretty good bully.
Amy: Thanks, but no. I've got this covered. I left him alone with Terry. That guy is a walking advertisement for the joys of fatherhood.
[cut to:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Do not do it.
Jake: What? Don't you love your girls?
Sergeant Jeffords: So much. I mean, you should have seen Cagney this morning with her little braids in.
Jake: Oh.
Sergeant Jeffords: But they are a ton of work, man. If you are not totally, 100% sure you want them, you won't survive.
Jake: Is it really that hard?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. I never get any sleep. I'm always sick. I never get to watch anything I want on TV. I still haven't finished "Breaking Bad," but I can recite "Moana" from memory? "Maui, shape-shifter, demigod of the wind and sea. I am Moana." Why do I know that?

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Captain Holt: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away