Sergeant Jeffords: So we wanted Jake to take the crown?
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, Hossz Gorcs?
Sergeant Jeffords: You must realize my answer is no.

Jake: Oh, my God. Did you blow up the Creeper?
Captain Holt: Not on purpose. Once I realized your revolting cheese puffs were made with some extremely unstable chemicals, I deposited a few in the gas tank.
I thought they'd shut the engine down. I didn't realize they'd ignite it. You really shouldn't eat those, Peralta.

Olivia Crawford: Half of the committee supports John Kelly, and the other half is divided between the two of us.
Captain Holt: We're splitting the vote.
Olivia Crawford: So for either of us to have a chance, one of us needs to step aside.
Captain Holt: Exactly.
Olivia Crawford: You should drop out.
Captain Holt: Is what you said to yourself in the mirror this morning instead of checking your eye for goop. And I agree. You should drop out.
Olivia Crawford: Is what you said to yourself in the mirror this morning while polishing your head.

Captain Holt: You're a grown man, sergeant. Strong like an Oak.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's a pretty good tree.
Captain Holt: It's a mighty tree!

Captain Holt: Do you know I love milk?
Gina: Uh, no.
Captain Holt: Well I do, but it hurts my stomach. So I haven't had milk, a beverage I love, for 19 years. Nineteen milkless years I've gone, but for some reason I can't quit Kwazy Cupcakes.

Charles: Try being more descriptive. I know you love Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. Why?
Captain Holt: Their components have a long shelf life, they're cost effective, and they're so simple a child could make them.

Jake: Hey, I'm sorry that things didn't work out. I know you always hoped that you'd be Commissioner.
Captain Holt: No. Over the course of my career, I've learned that it's best not to have hopes.
Jake: Sir, that is so sad. That's like saying it's best not to have dreams.
Captain Holt: I only have one dream a year, always on Tax Day. In it, I must file an extension. So, yes, it is best not to have dreams.

Captain Holt: I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Jake: But?
Captain Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Captain Holt: Okay. Moving on. Do you, Amy Santiago, take Jake Peralta to be your husband?
Amy: I do.
Captain Holt: And do you, Jake Peralta, take Amy Santiago to be your wife?
Jake: I absolutely do.
Captain Holt: By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I'd like to announce that your honeymoon vacation request status has officially been moved from pending to approved. You're married. You may kiss the bride.

Captain Holt: Yes, this is unfortunate, but let's not overreact to one grafito.

Captain Holt: Maybe I should wing it. Love, it sustains you. It's like oatmeal.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Okay. Not bad for winging it.
Captain Holt: I lied. Took me two hours to write that.

Chief Aggerton: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Oh, Chief Aggerton. I didn't realize you'd be flying out for this.
Chief Aggerton: I liked McGintley. He was fun to have a beer with. There's nobody in this department I wanna have a beer with anymore.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's the problem with the NYPD.

Captain Holt: Fine, but on two conditions we stay at least 4 inches apart at all times, and you tuck your tail back into your pants so I don't trip on it.
Madeline Wuntch: Deal.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, Gina's dance concert was last night.
Captain Holt: Right. The Dancy Reagan performance.

Captain Holt: Okay. Give me your flute. Wrong! First rule: never give anyone your flute.