Sergeant Jeffords: So we wanted Jake to take the crown?
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, Hossz Gorcs?
Sergeant Jeffords: You must realize my answer is no.

Captain Holt: We just made John Kelly commissioner.
Gina: Not if we get those letters back before anyone reads them.
Olivia Crawford: Are you too old to run?
Captain Holt: Are you too inexperienced to know that power-walking is a far more efficient and sustainable method of hurrying? Burn.

Captain Holt: You're a grown man, sergeant. Strong like an Oak.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's a pretty good tree.
Captain Holt: It's a mighty tree!

Captain Holt: Do you know I love milk?
Gina: Uh, no.
Captain Holt: Well I do, but it hurts my stomach. So I haven't had milk, a beverage I love, for 19 years. Nineteen milkless years I've gone, but for some reason I can't quit Kwazy Cupcakes.

Charles: Try being more descriptive. I know you love Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. Why?
Captain Holt: Their components have a long shelf life, they're cost effective, and they're so simple a child could make them.

Jake: Hey, I'm sorry that things didn't work out. I know you always hoped that you'd be Commissioner.
Captain Holt: No. Over the course of my career, I've learned that it's best not to have hopes.
Jake: Sir, that is so sad. That's like saying it's best not to have dreams.
Captain Holt: I only have one dream a year, always on Tax Day. In it, I must file an extension. So, yes, it is best not to have dreams.

Captain Holt: I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Jake: But?
Captain Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Captain Holt: Yes, this is unfortunate, but let's not overreact to one grafito.

Captain Holt: Okay. Moving on. Do you, Amy Santiago, take Jake Peralta to be your husband?
Amy: I do.
Captain Holt: And do you, Jake Peralta, take Amy Santiago to be your wife?
Jake: I absolutely do.
Captain Holt: By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I'd like to announce that your honeymoon vacation request status has officially been moved from pending to approved. You're married. You may kiss the bride.

Guard: Another Sex-and-the-Citiot?
Captain Holt: Guilty as charged. My favorite season has to be the third one. Everything was going right for Carrie. Her face was on every bus, her column was the talk of the town, and she met everyone's favorite furniture maker, Aidan Shaw. Sure, she melted down when he tried to introduce her to his parents, and she flipped out when she bumped into Big getting out of that cab with Natasha, whom he had married. Hmm.
Who can blame her? They barely knew each other. The best episode that year was episode six, entitled "Are We Sluts?" You know the one. Carrie was all in her head because she and Aidan weren't having sex. Meanwhile, across town, Charlotte couldn't stop having sex.
And Samantha? Samantha was just being Samantha. The season finale that year was entitled "Cock-a-Doodle-Do."

Captain Holt: Okay. Give me your flute. Wrong! First rule: never give anyone your flute.

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, Gina's dance concert was last night.
Captain Holt: Right. The Dancy Reagan performance.

Captain Holt: Fine, but on two conditions we stay at least 4 inches apart at all times, and you tuck your tail back into your pants so I don't trip on it.
Madeline Wuntch: Deal.

Chief Aggerton: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Oh, Chief Aggerton. I didn't realize you'd be flying out for this.
Chief Aggerton: I liked McGintley. He was fun to have a beer with. There's nobody in this department I wanna have a beer with anymore.
Captain Holt: Yes, that's the problem with the NYPD.