Charles: Okay, then I'll think I'll finish up by saying Pappy Boyle was the best hugger. Which is surprising because he lost his hand in the subway. But he always said, "You don't hug with your hands, you hug with your heart. And your groin." He got that groin involved.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, a lot of groin talk for a eulogy.

Sergeant Jeffords: Ew. Pappy should've used that cash on pest control. There's giant rats everywhere.
Charles: Those are nutria, Terry. They're nothing like rats. They have meatier haunches, and their teeth are more orange. You know, nutria are actually great pets. They're affectionate and smart. They know how to open doors. Plus, you can milk them.
Jake: But... should you?
Charles: Pappy drank nutria milk, and he was fit as a fiddle. Anyway, you got to see the house. I can't wait to show you the rug I was born on.
Jake: Sure it's been cleaned since then.

Charles: Here it is. Pappy Boyle's farm. I spent every summer here as a kid.
Jake: Got to say, it's nicer than I was expecting.
Charles: Pappy did well for himself. He went to business school in New York. He got a job in Wall Street. And one day his hand got caught in a subway door. And he was dragged from Times Square into Queens. Largest settlement in city history.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?

Jake: Oh, Charles. I'm so sorry about your great-uncle Pappy. You holding up okay?
Charles: I've been managing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Mm... Have you though?
[flashback:]
Charles: Number two, step up. Say, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."
Perp Number Two: Okay. Uh, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."
Charles: [wails] Then why did you leave me?

Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do it! Boyle must have!
Charles: I would never do that. This is just what happens when you order candy from a candy child and not a candy man.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'll show you a candy man. [throws apple]
Charles: Hey, what the hell? Oh, you picked the wrong guy to get in an apple fight with.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why is that?
Charles: Because I was MVP of my fast-pitch softball summer camp.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, I'm so scared...
[Terry is knocked down by an apple Charles threw at his head]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh! Ow.

Charles: [sings] ♪ Oh, who could take a sunrise ♪ ♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪ [laughs] ♪ Cover it in chocolate ♪ ♪ And a miracle or two? ♪ ♪ The candy man can ♪
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, so you're just gonna do your business all out in the open like some common candy ho?
Charles: You're just jealous.

Charles: Uh-oh, I know that strut. Little hip swing, playful butt bounce... Somebody made a collar!
Jake: Not loving you talking about my butt bounce, but, also, hell, yeah, someone collared a big dog!
Charles: Woof, woof!

Charles: Really never seen Speed, sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

Charles: The name of the game is called, "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?"
Jake: Little wordy.
Charles: Each contestant will answer and ask ten personal questions. Whoever gets the most correct answers will be crowned the better friend.
Doug Judy: Also, there is that whole "going to prison or not" thing.
Charles: America can't relate to the prison stuff; it's too real. It's a game about friendship, and may the better friend win.

Jake: Okay, well, there's clearly only one way to settle this.
Charles: Ignore him and take him directly to prison.
Jake: A high-stakes trivia contest to decide who's the better friend.
Charles: What?
Jake: If I win, you agree not to try and escape.
Doug Judy: But if I win, you agree to let me go.
Jake: Deal.
Charles: That is a bad idea. I cannot let you take this risk, Jake.
Jake: It'll be just like game night at the Camden Senior Center. You can be Estelle Minderman.
Charles: She's my favorite emcee. Damn it, I'm in! [horns honking]
Jake: Charles!

Charles: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.
Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape.
Charles: He's already out of his handcuffs.
Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucans!
Jake: Tigers and toucans!
Charles: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.
Jake: Oh, my God.

Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: What are you doing? Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times?
Jake: Seems like a loaded question.
Charles: Oh, that's not even half my load.

Charles: How did your prints end up on a wrench that was sent to this police station?
Eric: That wrench went missing two weeks ago. I thought someone took it out of the back of my truck.
Jake: Of course, that sounds...
Charles: Totally reasonable, Eric.
Jake: Or should I call you by your real name?
Charles: Johnny Franzia.
Eric: I don't know who that is.
Charles: Uh-oh. Something stinks. Something stinks real bad. Did you poop?
Eric: No.
Jake: You did. You pooped.
Charles: Oh, God, it's everywhere.
Jake: What did you eat, buddy?
Eric: Today? I had some oatmeal.
Charles: Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna lie you down, I'm gonna take your pants off, and I'm gonna wipe your little tushy.
Eric: What is going on?
Charles: I actually have the same question. Hold on one second. Jake?

Charles: Jake, I think I figured something out about the toolbox.
Jake: Toolbox?
Charles: Franzia sent me a toolbox. It turned out to be a puzzle. It was so boring.
Jake: Charles, it wasn't boring. I know what you're doing. Just tell me what happened.