Charles: [over walkie-talkies] Seriously, guys, why are we doing this? We should just wait for the DNA test.
Jake: We will. But the lab said it would take a week. They had to get a new tech.
Charles: Oh, no. Why?
Jake: Uh... the old one had a bad allergic reaction to... beakers.
Charles: Ugh. Labs are full of them. That's awful.
Jake: Yeah, and real. Anyways, since Lyndon is our only actual suspect, we might as well investigate.
Charles: Let me ask you this. Is he gushing?
Jake: Don't say those words.
Charles: The pressure of keeping secrets makes Boyles stress-sweat. Once, we played Mafia, and you'd never seen so many dripping wet cousins in one room.
Jake: Come on.

Tommy Boyle: It was such a great party. Everyone had the best time. I mean, except for Lyndon.
Jake: Lyndon wasn't happy?
Tommy Boyle: Yeah, it was strange. He was passing through the living room. I asked him if he wanted a little HJ. But he just ignored me. I mean, who doesn't want an HJ from their cousin?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hold up. An HJ?
Lyndon Boyle: A head job. A massage. Isn't that what everyone calls it?
Charles: You bet.
Sergeant Jeffords: Absolutely not.

Jake: All right. A man has been poisoned, his will is missing, and there's only one person who stands to profit. Lyndon Boyle.
Charles: Lyndon's not a killer.
Sam Boyle: I mean, he did skip a Boyle family Zoom last summer.
Charles: Yeah, it's true. It's seven hours out of your day. How hard is that to fit in?
Jake: Okay, let's set up an interrogation room. I wanna make this guy as uncomfortable as possible.
[later:]
Jake: [chair creaking] I thought we were going for uncomfortable. What's with the rocking chair?
Charles: It's a farm. All the chairs are rockers. But don't worry, I under-steeped the tea.
Lyndon Boyle: Ugh. It's so weak. Why am I being treated like a criminal?
Jake: Okay. I stand corrected.

Charles: Okay, then I'll think I'll finish up by saying Pappy Boyle was the best hugger. Which is surprising because he lost his hand in the subway. But he always said, "You don't hug with your hands, you hug with your heart. And your groin." He got that groin involved.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh, a lot of groin talk for a eulogy.

Sergeant Jeffords: Ew. Pappy should've used that cash on pest control. There's giant rats everywhere.
Charles: Those are nutria, Terry. They're nothing like rats. They have meatier haunches, and their teeth are more orange. You know, nutria are actually great pets. They're affectionate and smart. They know how to open doors. Plus, you can milk them.
Jake: But... should you?
Charles: Pappy drank nutria milk, and he was fit as a fiddle. Anyway, you got to see the house. I can't wait to show you the rug I was born on.
Jake: Sure it's been cleaned since then.

Charles: Here it is. Pappy Boyle's farm. I spent every summer here as a kid.
Jake: Got to say, it's nicer than I was expecting.
Charles: Pappy did well for himself. He went to business school in New York. He got a job in Wall Street. And one day his hand got caught in a subway door. And he was dragged from Times Square into Queens. Largest settlement in city history.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?

Jake: Oh, Charles. I'm so sorry about your great-uncle Pappy. You holding up okay?
Charles: I've been managing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Mm... Have you though?
[flashback:]
Charles: Number two, step up. Say, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."
Perp Number Two: Okay. Uh, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you."
Charles: [wails] Then why did you leave me?

Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do it! Boyle must have!
Charles: I would never do that. This is just what happens when you order candy from a candy child and not a candy man.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'll show you a candy man. [throws apple]
Charles: Hey, what the hell? Oh, you picked the wrong guy to get in an apple fight with.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why is that?
Charles: Because I was MVP of my fast-pitch softball summer camp.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, I'm so scared...
[Terry is knocked down by an apple Charles threw at his head]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh! Ow.

Charles: Uh-oh, I know that strut. Little hip swing, playful butt bounce... Somebody made a collar!
Jake: Not loving you talking about my butt bounce, but, also, hell, yeah, someone collared a big dog!
Charles: Woof, woof!

Charles: [sings] ♪ Oh, who could take a sunrise ♪ ♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪ [laughs] ♪ Cover it in chocolate ♪ ♪ And a miracle or two? ♪ ♪ The candy man can ♪
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, so you're just gonna do your business all out in the open like some common candy ho?
Charles: You're just jealous.

Charles: Really never seen Speed, sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

Charles: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.
Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape.
Charles: He's already out of his handcuffs.
Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucans!
Jake: Tigers and toucans!
Charles: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.
Jake: Oh, my God.

Jake: Okay, well, there's clearly only one way to settle this.
Charles: Ignore him and take him directly to prison.
Jake: A high-stakes trivia contest to decide who's the better friend.
Charles: What?
Jake: If I win, you agree not to try and escape.
Doug Judy: But if I win, you agree to let me go.
Jake: Deal.
Charles: That is a bad idea. I cannot let you take this risk, Jake.
Jake: It'll be just like game night at the Camden Senior Center. You can be Estelle Minderman.
Charles: She's my favorite emcee. Damn it, I'm in! [horns honking]
Jake: Charles!

Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: What are you doing? Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times?
Jake: Seems like a loaded question.
Charles: Oh, that's not even half my load.