Hitchcock: So I bet you're wondering how I did so well in that last competition.
Jake: Actually, I was impressed you didn't eat any of the meat.
Hitchcock: Well, I don't deserve all the credit. Scully, show 'em what we're working with.
Scully: This is Dorothy, my pill box.
Jake: Good God.
Hitchcock: My friend here has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments. They make him normal. They make me limitless.
Scully: This blood thinner can suppress appetite. This eczema pill can cause extreme muscle spasms.
Hitchcock: Which is pretty inconvenient, unless you need to hurl meat across the room.
Jake: My God. He's doping.
Scully: Welcome to the big leagues.

Hitchcock: Peralta, how about we make these games a little more exciting with a wager?
Jake: Ooh, interesting. What'd you have in mind?
Hitchcock: If you win, I'll do your paperwork for a year.
Jake: Go on.
Hitchcock: If I win, I get your new car.
Amy: You're joking, right?
Hitchcock: Why? Because you can't imagine someone bitchin' like me driving a lame family sedan?
Amy: No, because Jake would never bet our car.
Jake: Yeah, I would never do that. But also, it's not lame. It's the color of an alcohol. Everyone's talking about it.
Hitchcock: No, Jake, it's a super lame car. But I don't mind. My ex-step-son kicked me out of the house, and I need a place to crash with air conditioning.

Brad Portenburg: Hello, squad. My name is Brad Portenburg, and today I'm gonna teach you about workplace conflict. So I brought along someone who's an expert in conflict: my ex-wife. Just kidding. She lives in Vermont with our kids. So can anyone tell me what a stereotype is?
Scully: The Irish are potato-eating drunks.
Hitchcock: And the gays-
Brad Portenburg: No, no, no, what does the word "stereotype" mean?

Hitchcock: What are you two doing over here, waiting for the caterers before they make their way into the crowd?
Captain Holt: We're snooping on Captain Kim, but let me guess. She seduced you as well.
Hitchcock: Is she doing that to people?
Jake: Not literally.

Jake: Holt is a great cop, and I know the demotion's driving him crazy, but his gut is usually right. I think we need to find that hot dog cart guy.
Charles: Okay, fine. But who do we know that could find us a random New York hot dog guy?
[cut to:]
Hitchcock: So, you need a little help from the Weiner Warriors.
Jake: Well, I hate that.

Jake: So we'll make a hostage video, but I don't think we should do it here. It's too nice. Do we know anyone with, like, a real creepy basement?
[cut to:]
Hitchcock: Yeah, it's just got one exposed light bulb and a couple of spent mattresses.
Jake: "Spent"? Oh, yeah. That sounds perfect.

Amy: Does anyone have a good lawyer?
Hitchcock: I got a divorce guy, an alimony guy, a slip and fall guy, a pizza's too hot guy.

Jake: Guys. I have a great idea for a prank. Before Holt comes in, I'm gonna put ink on the podium where he puts his hands.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't think he'll fall for that.
Hitchcock: I did.
Jake: How? I haven't even opened this yet.
Hitchcock: I guess it's unrelated.

Captain Holt: Okay, that whole lunch thing was clearly a ploy. But even still, I'm not worried about losing to Boyle.
Jake: No one is. He's a joke. All right, let's get this thing going. Scully will be locked in the supply closet with his bracelet.
Scully: Can I lie down on the floor?
Jake: Uh, yeah. You can do whatever you want. And you're already on the ground.
With Hitchcock. And you both have pillows.
Hitchcock: Best day ever.

Hitchcock: Hey, hey hey! It's the best day of the year. Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Jake: I don't think you're allowed to wear a poncho to work, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Let's fiesta!
[BAND PLAYING "THE MEXICAN HAT SONG"]
Jake: Oh, you got a band.

Scully: Time check.
Hitchcock: Five minutes, ten seconds.
Scully: It's over.
Hitchcock: Don't say that.
Scully: We'll never get the garlic bread toasted in time.
Hitchcock: We can, and we will.
Scully: How?
Hitchcock: We'll set the oven to 500.
Scully: Are you insane? It'll burn.
Hitchcock: We'll wrap it in foil.
Scully: The foil will stick to the cheese.
Hitchcock: That's a risk we'll have to take.

Hitchcock: [answering the phone] Go for Hitch.
Captain Holt: Hitchcock, damn it. I meant to call Peralta. We're in the middle of a crisis.
Hitchcock: Oh, no. Is it the lasagna?
Captain Holt: The what?
Hitchcock: Don't play dumb with me, Raymond. What's wrong with the lasagna?
Captain Holt: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Scully: What is it? What's wrong with the lasagna? Is it bubbling over?
Hitchcock: He won't tell me.
Scully: Captain, give us the damned information. Is it bubbling over?
Captain Holt: I don't have time for these shenanigans.

Hitchcock: We cooked that lasagna for nothing. Nothing!
Jake: Okay. But have you ever considered eating lasagna with no garlic bread?
Hitchcock: We've- Never done that before.
Scully: I guess maybe we could give it a try. What do you think, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: What the hell. I had a feeling something crazy was gonna happen today.
Jake: There you go.
Scully: It's almost ready.
Jake: [microwave dings] Mama Magglione.

Scully: What are we gonna do? It's still frozen in the middle!
Hitchcock: Well, then turn up the temp.
Scully: It's already at 500. It's maxed out.
Hitchcock: Then set the mother[bleep] to broil.

Sergeant Knox: Nobody has to get hurt. Just put your guns down, and put your hands in the air. [to Hitchcock & Scully] Hey! I said put your guns down, and get your hands in the air.
Scully: The bread, it's gonna burn.
Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, do what he says. I'll buy you all the garlic bread you want.
Hitchcock: We're gonna hold you to that, Sarge.